Its 2:43 AM at the moment and I'm not near sleep at the moment so I decided to spend this time to just let thoughts flow out in a place far from many and where it isn't really anything that needs to be read (not that many of my Vox entries don't need to be read. All the others have been [except the QotD ones. Boredom becomes me sometimes when they're interesting enough])
I'm not tired at the moment because I have no good sleep cycle. I've been staying up until 2, 3 or 4 or maybe even 5 AM playing video games, watching TV, thinking, or trying to go to sleep. The business with Her has had an effect on it along with the habit anyway. When I do wake up, I haven't immediately gotten up, instead laying in bed and dozing off. Wake up at 8, wake back up at 11, doze back off, get up at 12:15 or 12:30 or even 1 like I did today. I failed to reset my internal clock today. The last few times I've tried this, I've gotten to 5 - 7 AM, dozed for an hour or 2 or 4, then stayed up all day until it was time for me to go to bed. Thought I'd repeat it again. I woke up at at 9:30... then 1 o' clock.
Some may envy me for having this, but I don't like it. For one, I've taken pride in being up at a reasonable hour (used to be 8 AM. 9 was ok. 10 was late). Being at UNCG, 9:30 has been the magic time when the Caf opens (going to change since I got all Flex and no meal plan, but I could change that. Will look into it later). 8 was the time when my favorite cartoons would start on Kid's WB (Channel 3). Even after I stopped watching those cartoons, being up by 8 or 9 was still my much preferred (and mostly met) time to get up. It wasn't at UNCG, but at some point, that started changing. 9 was met a lot, but so was 10. At some point, it started becoming 11. It has hovered between 9 and 10 for a long time now. Two years ago, it was 11 for no real good reason.
It certainly wasn't because I had long conversations with Jessica until the wee hours. Two years ago today, I was going to SOAR at UNCG. Two years ago today, I met Lexie. Two years ago today, Jessica wrote a blog saying she liked a guy she was talking to online (me). [or was it tomorrow? or two days later? no, it was either today or tomorrow...]. Two years ago today, I had plans to go do a bunch of yard work around my parents' house. By this point two years ago, I had a pit for my dad's fire pit.
My oh my how things are different since then...
Two relationships, gone (one being so short I'm not certain that I can give it that distinction). Greatest friend from middle and high school, angry at me then forgiving me. School, started with a major stumble, then turning into a hard, yet rewarding grind. Driver's license, still don't have. Job, no real search for one has been done. Inner circle, radically grown. Beliefs on things, changed, some good, some bad. Political identity, secured.
I'm quite happy to have Lexie as my friend. Its been a very nice distraction to hang with her. I have a larger social circle from her merry band of friends. I've started to see that I do have some non-academic intelligence. I have 9 months of happiness that I wouldn't exchange for the world (the 1 1/2 months of hell, chaos, and anger after it, however, I'd give away in less than the blink of an eye). I've found that I am more random and non-planning than I thought. Absolutely got to make a much, much stronger effort to spend more time with Lexie and her merry band. Her being very much a non-planner puts a bit of a challenge into it, but I can deal. Less sitting on my ass all the time, requests of known busy times, and I've got it.
I've got this urge to write more about Lexie, but it may come to me later. This is not going to be quite as structured as my other writings quite usually are.
Now is my time to start really pulling together all the pieces I need to really start making my own life. I'm back to a state of mind I had in early Summer '08, where I thought "its all about to begin!"
The Grand Forsetti Faithe is certainly going to be one part of it I'll never let go. The second really great friend in my inner circle, she's seen me through hard times and great times. I credit it to the always positive attitude, I've never had a moment of anger at her. I've shared anger with her about something. Or maybe its a sign of the times, that getting angry is an old relic of my past. I say its both. From Jessica to Byron's (justifiable) anger with me to school to annoying at times roommate James to good academics to Her to a thousand other things, she's been there. The Forsetti and the Czar shall stay close for decades to come. She too I'll have to find a good plan to hang out with more often.
Having a girlfriend has been a great accomplishment, my shining jewel in my crown, the thing that makes my life grand. Her and me had a great relationship... at a long distance. I genuinely did (and I believe still do) love her. She wasn't perfect, but she was perfect enough to me. Just maybe not for me. If not for Alina making me a Myspace, Lexie not hearing from her first college, attending the same SOAR I did, taking a picture at the fountain at the same time I was sitting there, possibly them not hanging out for so long, and me keeping my Myspace, I wouldn't have dated Her for 281 days.
I wouldn't exchange the first 6 or so months for anything at all. Everything from then until the last 10 days, it'd still be something I wouldn't want to give up. Maybe change, but not give up. Not sure I want the last 10 days. We had sex way too soon in conditions I did not approve of. We rarely talked after that, my overpowering love of her driving me mad. Long distance relationships ain't for me. Too much control out of my hands and too little time just laying and cuddling with my love for me. I won't rant on what she's done. Not in a ranting-about-that-mood.
Strangely, at this very moment, I'm content on being by myself without a love. It may be the time or something else, but at this moment, I'm content.
My bizarre sleeping pattern may be helping me stay in a good place right now.
I'm gaming much like I have in times past. I've touched an old PS2 favorite of mine: Star Wars Battlefront. I still whoop the AI's ass on my favorite maps. I touched another old favorite: Saint's Row, a worthy competitor to Grand Theft Auto for urban sandbox game play in my opinion. I'm playing online with Byron and even Curtis a bit more.
My dynamic with Alexander has shifted to a better one. Its not like him and me hated each other. He's 8 but mentally a younger child. He's got mental, emotional, and maybe other issues, but he's a great kid. I'm not sure what it was but I've had a difficult time in the past months being able to stay 100% good with his behavior. I'm a bit snappish at him. I think I spend so much time a) away from others and b) as a grown up and c) planning my life as a grown up that I may get a bit stuck in it without realizing it. Again, we've gotten better. I've learned to just roll with what he's rambling about more, but I do try to teach him some at times. He's a bit hard headed and I admit maybe I do cross the line sometimes and make him angry, but I really want him to learn and know all the things me and my dad didn't learn until much later on.
Same with my dad. I've not had as many "GRAH!" moments with him as I've had in times past. He just isn't the same sharp, always on point guy he was when I was growing up. He just seems lost in his own (not good) place too often and just wants to ignore the world around him sometimes. He doesn't seem that way lately. Last moment was his overreaction (to me at least) to my brother leaving a glass on the floor. He did step on it, but didn't break it luckily. Yes, leaving a glass on the floor is just a stupid idea. However, yelling to get the "fucking glass off the floor" is not needed. Bring him in and say "Hey! Don't leave a glass on the floor! Someone could step on it and cut their foot!" but that's just me.
I haven't had my dynamic with my mom change much if at all. It never really had to. It has always been great. She's calm, nice, and a very good mom. Maybe a touch pestering, but she is my mom. Gotta let her have that.
I most certainly don't have the pent up "gotta get outta here!" anger and frustration of 2 years ago or of any other time (at least right now I think period for now). I'm not entirely certain I know what I want to do at the moment, but in a few days or weeks, I'll have a thousand things I'll be working on.
Its 3:41 AM and my eyes are telling me to go to sleep as is my body, but I want to see if I can properly reset my internal clock again.
Allow me to keep my mind stimulated now:
I think I do know the important details of what my perfect, til-the-end-of-time, never-ending, full of love, turns into marriage and have kids with relationship will need to have. Basic: a good moral person. No seeing no issue with dating fast and blind or engaging really quick or smoking/drinking/shooting up/doing drugs with no real care. Gotta be a kind, gentle soul. Can't be too prissy and fixated on looks. I'll accept a long time to prepare, but only when really needed and on sensible things. If you need to apply not make up but your face, eh, sorry, I ain't yours. No being very vain. Have inner beauty, it gets you further.
Onto more meat-and-potatoes on what it must have: either an uber fan of watching video games or playing video games like real gamers do. Gotta be willing to pick up on the details of the consoles, games, controllers, the industry at large. Of course, being a gamer is a much, much better thing. I don't think they'll be able to be too far away from where I stand politically. Socialists and anarchists need not apply to get my heart. Republicans and Democrats aren't excluded however. She'll need to care some how she looks, but no excessive make up application or spending an hour to get dressed for EVERYTHING (very very rare exception may apply, but we'll have to see).
The trickiest thing: intelligence. How smart? Smart at all? Is there a "too smart"? Must she be a female me? Is a lack of uncaring for history, science, and such acceptable? If so, how much? I think I got the answer. She can be quite a bit like me, watching Discovery, History, Science, Military, and other such channels by her own choosing and a lot. Don't have to however. Can watch Animal Planet, A&E, and the broadcast channels' soaps. She doesn't have to be a walking source on everything. Can just be maybe not an intellectual driving to always learn, but be very willing to learn anyway.
She can be very much my mom or my dad on this. Either be smart in her own way or always have a few documentaries, science shows, and other informational things on her viewing schedule.
At least, I think this may be it...
Its 3:57 AM. I may stop now, but I'm keeping the window open just in case I don't.
4:02 AM is the end time of this blog. All thoughts are dumped for the time being.
Adeu my friends
*bows*
its 6:09 AM and I haven't gone to sleep yet. Don't plan on it until tonight.
My family is going up to Ohio for the yearly visit to the rest of the family. Uncle Phil, Aunt Melissa, Granny & Pappaw, cousin Aubrey, others that show up at Granny & Pappaw's house. Its not that I'm worried about going up. I love going up there. Always have (minus funerals). Its always a gorgeous drive up and back, through the mountains of Virginia and West Virginia, glorious views for miles out, beautiful pictures of the mountains in the distance, a long view at Pilot Mtn, a view of the golden Capitol Dome in Charleston, West Virginia, the mix of Midwestern looking farms with the mountains. The stop to get lunch or dinner at a fast food restaurant, usually McDonald's. Listening to the radio or a book on CD from the library. The shopping trip me and dad take to buy fireworks at the TNT store in Dayton. Going out and shopping for something we don't know we want yet (i.e. shopping). Listening to my granny and mom talk. Remembering the old memories of years past. Hearing the stories of where my family members are now. Watching TV in the upstairs room with my dad late at night (ok: semi late, like 11 or 12). Waking up and eating breakfast at a table, eating a meal, be it home cooked or not, at the table.
Don't think I'll have the whole new world of tech integrated into that just yet. It went well in '08... kinda. Didn't really have the ability to in '09 since I wasn't up there really more than a few hours at a time.
This is my favorite thing to do. I rarely see these members of my family. Its always been a great time for me up there (minus funerals). Its also a total change in my routine: to ride in a car through the mountains of Virginia and West Virginia and Ohio and the farms & highways of Ohio; the entertainment we have up and back; seeing these people on such a rare occasion and having much to talk about; getting gifts
OOO! OOOOOO!! OOOOOOOOO!!!
One other thing! Eating Marion's Pizza! We didn't last year (I honestly don't believe) but at least me and dad go out at some point and eat Marion's Pizza. It is great pizza. They cut the pizza not into slices but into small squares. Therefore, the ingredients are put on different. Everything must be a complete layer. The layer of hamburger, cheese, I think onion, sauce, perhaps some other things... mmmmmm.... making me hungry (hungrier since I should be in the middle of my sleeping fast right now) thinking about it...
*is tempted to drool*
They have an arcade in the restaurant while you wait too. I remember him and me having some sort of college-related talk once in Marion's pizza. Wow... I just realized that Marion's has a greater significance than I thought...
Its definitely a set of memories I'll remember forever
I left Ohio when I was 6 in 1996. From 1997 to 2000, me and mom would fly up to Ohio in June to see my family. We didn't go up in 2001 but not because of 9/11 (if you can check a calender, you'd see that). We moved into our house that year so we had no money for that and my mom was pregnant with my brother [funny story: we didn't know whether he was a boy or a girl until he was born. Kept being turned the wrong way to allow anyone to see], but some of my family came down here to see us for Thanksgiving. Since 2002 (I think) we've driven up to Ohio to see the family. Well, I should say dad drives us up there while I handle the directions, while mom and Alexander sit in the back.
Wouldn't trade going up there for however long it is I go up there for anything in the world (except maybe more time at a later time. Maybe ).
Last time I went up to Ohio, I was laying the very beginnings of a foundation for my first real relationship. Time before that (technically the time before the time before that), I was just beginning my time with Jessica. I'd like to have a relationship in full swing while I go up there. Perhaps even once get her up there to be seen by my family. Maybe not on the James, Shari, Nicholas, and Alexander Spitzer Trip, but a trip at some point. It'd be an excuse to show her beautiful mountains, especially one part in Virginia. There's one point while on the highway off to the side where there is a large valley between two mountains. You're very high up and with the large valley between the two mountains, you can see for miles and miles and miles. Unfortunately, you are on an interstate highway so you can't really stop and look at it. I really wish I could. I know my dad wishes we could too.
I think that's all for now. Its 6:56 AM. I should find something to do until 8 or so, then start my day.
Once again, adeu my friends
*bows*
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