Nickspitzer's blog

The Past, Present, and Future As Of July 14th, 2010

I've reflected within myself and found some truths to be evident within me.

Ok: That sounds a bit weird or dumb but I'll go with it

For one, my conclusions about Christina are coming true: she just ain't gonna be a major part of my life. I haven't talked to her at length in a while. I would say I wouldn't mind talking with her at length, but I'd tragically mind. It all shifted with her time with Ryan. If it wasn't the dating it was her getting engaged. She changed into someone else. She wasn't the Christy I started talking to and dated in 2009 and the first 1/4 or so of 2010. The Christy I started dating was very kind and sweet to all and very much not the “rush into an engagement” type and very much saw love as very sacred. The Christina I disavowed was very hateful towards someone who dared question her and wasn’t being very careful about the engagement and didn’t give a damn the dangers and didn’t really seem to value love as that sacred.

For another, my relations with Alina (my first great friend) are not going to be as I predict possibly. My family met Alina's family in 1998. She is 3 years younger than me. Our families were the greatest of friends until they "had" to move to Kentucky because her dad (Marvin) "had" to deal with things up there in August 2004. Within the 6 years they were in North Carolina, she pretty much became my little sister and, if things had been radically different, potentially a girlfriend to me at some point. (A lot of this is a long story that I've probably told before, but if I haven't, its a long story I haven't told then) She left right before her 6th grade year, not exactly the time to know no one at all at school.

The story with Alina is going to be quite similar to the story with Christina. [sidebar: what the hell is it with me and girls that names end with 'a'? WTF man? AlinA, JessicA, ChristinA... o.0 WTF weird man...] Alina was spending some time with her sister Amber in Martinsville, VA. Apparently, there was going to be an issue with Amber and her boyfriend leaving for a short time, leaving Alina alone. She may be 17, but not all 17 year olds are trustworthy. Not sure Alina counts as an untrustworthy one, but I donno. Anyway, The plan was for Alina to spend the last days of her trip with us and her mom (Jean) would pick her up Friday.

Apparently, Alina threw a fit over it and didn't want to come down here. From what I've gathered, its because she has cheerleading practice or tryouts and she may have been late or something. So, her mom had to take off work and come get her. Alina was supposed to come Monday, but threw her fit. We were going to settle for seeing them today, but apparently Alina and Jean were having issues, so we didn't even get to see Jean.

Once again, she isn't the same person I knew before. Of course she's going to be different from 2004 to 2010, but the difference I see is radical and I don't think all natural. I sense something has gone horridly awry and she's been warped. First, she left everything she was used to right before middle school (I mean right before, as in she didn't go to the first days of 6th grade but was still in North Carolina) and had no friends she knew and trusted. Second her parents got divorced and they weren't very civil about it. Know the stereotypical divorce where all hell breaks loose? Yeah, that happened. That stress plus the fact that Marvin may have and may still be spoiling her as a way to get back at Jean may be making Alina warped.

Let me say this: if I at 17 had been staying at lets say my Uncle Phil's for a few weeks and I pulled the same stunt, I'd pay for it... severely. Privileges lost, a severe tongue lashing, and I know a hell of a lot more work around the house. The fact that Alina doesn't have some form of severe punishment like my parents, especially my dad, would hand down doesn't help. For that reason, my parents show her no sympathy. If cheerleading is so important, why not have it all planned so that there were no worries about it? Something like that you know long ahead of time when it is. She's been at it for a few years now. She'd know the times and dates.

She was almost a like a daughter to my parents when she lived here, but my parents aren't even getting the world's smallest violins out of the cases for her, never mind playing them.

Beyond that, I'm having a grand time. I got to hang out with Byron today totally unexpectedly. I showed him this awesome little game called Red Dead Redemption (if you haven't tried it, I highly recommend it OWXCpeely XD ), then a trip to Gamestop, followed by a drive around, then fun time with Gary's Mod on my computer. I hope that my days are filled with many, many, many more incidents like that for me. It was totally unplanned and friggin awesome! Add that to the school work, some of it in groups or pairs, the time and effort I'm putting into the groups, and the just generally chilled feeling I'll be having and you have the makings of a quite awesome year ahead!

I'm hoping that arguably my biggest demon next to my anger, my crushing desire to have a girlfriend, is laid to rest and I can finally just let her come to me. I'll probably be doing enough, so we'll see.

Also, Red Dead Redemption is AWESOME!!! I'm fairly far in the single player, but I'm planning another playthrough to be very evil (or as close as I'll be able to allow myself to be). So friggin awesome!!!

My life is very good. I see it continuing on this course.

adeu my friends
*bows*

A Tumblr of a Time

Tis been a bit of time since I've written something on Vox.

First, all this drama with Christina is over from what I can tell. Her engagement crashed and burned. Not in a way I predicted (engagement to someone in Utah), but it did end horribly. It hurt her bad too. As I told her when I ceased contact, I didn't rub it in. I just listened to her and was a friend. She's picked herself up and started running with someone she works with.

And I'm happy for her.

She seems to be avoiding many of the pitfalls that plagued her engagement and her relationship with me. For one, she'll see him a lot without really trying or going far out of her way. She has also known him for a good amount of time before dating. [side note: I actually don't know if they're officially dating yet or not. I think they are. I haven't checked her Facebook. I may want to re-friend her on there actually...] She really enjoys being with him and she says that he really enjoys being with her. She'll lay her head on his shoulder and he'll draw shapes with his finger on her palm... [insert a mushy “Awww....”] [aren't I a smart ass sometimes? :D ]

I'm starting to find that she probably won't hold a place in my inner circle. Our ways of handling things and the problems she gets herself into are an issue. She'll have a major issue with someone which I'd probably never have because I'd stop talking to them long before then. With Houston (her new love), she was going over to his house. She told her mom that his parents were home, but they weren't. She called me up I think before work asking me to tell her that she won't do anything stupid over there [translation: let passion take over into sex]. For me, its simple: lay out the condition early on that you won't do it with your significant other. It can be either in your own mind or say it to them and make them agree. You got to have some mental fortitude. “Oh but my hormones are more powerful than my brain.” Way to defeat yourself.

I shall admit that I'm a video gaming geek that doesn't have having sex as my top goal. With her passion did take over (not all the way but we certainly did some private things) so I know it ain't easy all the time. However, you can't be self-defeating if you want to avoid it. Christina and Houston need to sit down and say that they will seriously wait for sex if they really do want to wait. They might fail, but its better than being worried constantly that it may happen. If its a stated goal, its easier to do since you have it set.

Other happenings...

Lots of video gaming recently. Took part in the Gears 2 8x XP for July 4^th, played some Risk: Factions (very fun! LOVE Risk!), and some GTA IV, the original and the two add-on episodes and online chaos. A good 4^th of July too. Some good fireworks and the neighborhood was in on the fun too. While me, dad, and Alexander were sitting by the post-show fire going out, it got dark, darker than I see at UNCG. It wasn't scary. It was kinda neat actually. If I didn't feel like such a nut, I'd go out back when its that dark to just sit there for a while.

I'm starting to feel the creep of school coming on a bit. As nice as it is to stay up whenever I want and have to do nothing, I like having things to do. Homework, readings, programs, stuff for groups, classes to get to. I really enjoy the friends, both inner and outer circle, acquaintances, and generally nice people I see and know at UNCG. I see my friends more that way. I like that, a lot. Its possible that I'll see more familiar faces from Glenn since this is 2 years out. People from the 2 year schools may be completing their degree or at least finishing two years and going to a 4 year university like UNCG. Every year brings possibility however. People find that they don't like a school or a school is too expensive or for some reason, they want to go somewhere else.

At the start of every year, heck every semester, I expect to meet the girl I've been waiting for. A class, a run in or friendly person in the dorm, eating a meal, a group, just some random place. I should say my hope is always renewed, especially at the start of the new school year. For some reason, this feels like the time. This year seems so likely to be the year. I'm socialized more, I'm the President of the ACM, I'm the secretary of the College Libertarians, I made friends with people I met just sitting around on the campus swing set. I really believe that this could be the year. I know more people than I ever imagined I could or wanted to. Any one of them could be the link to her.

Between now and then, I have to wade through bureaucracy that is the federal government that is handing out money for all college education (fuck you Washington D.C.!!!), meet with the officers of the ACM, get in contact with the College Libertarians to set up a game plan to grow our numbers, and at least attempt to hang out with friends, maybe sprinkle in some money for doing work around the house.

final note: I've hopped on Tumblr to keep more of my inner circle informed on my happenings. I'm not leaving Vox. I'm posting on both for as long as I have my inner circle on both.

adeu my friends

*bows*

Final Words to My Former Love

I wrote a Facebook message to Christina. I just am not able to talk to her on the phone. When I wrote my last Vox, I thought I was going to. However, the weight of what has happened with her is just too much and I fear that she just won't get it and I'll be talking to a wall. Hopefully, this will be the last chapter in my relationship with her. A new story of a friendship is not ruled out however.

I'm not certain if you'll like that I'm sending you a Facebook message instead of calling you, but I just can't talk to you on the phone.

First, I'm still hurt over you moving on so quickly and being so damn certain that he's The One. Forgetting the fact that we were together 281 days, or 9+ months, I'm still a human being. I don't always let emotional excuses be my excuses, but this time, it is my excuse. You held the most valued place in my social circle and within me and I know I held the most valued spot in you. However, while I slowly dismantled what was and filled it in over time, you tossed me out of your valued spot and filled it in at breakneck speed. Its not something I can easily forgive. The fall from being the most valuable person to someone is already a hard fall, but I take it harder. I'm a lover and I don't like using a relationship.

Another thing is how quickly you tried to force me to accept all this. With hardly anytime to take in the end of the relationship, you gave me a I wouldn't say demand but hard push to take down everything from our relationship. I would have taken the pictures off my dorm wall, put away all the stuff, and changed the things on my online profiles, in time. Probably within a day it would have been done. That is forgivable however.

Making me accept that you were all goo-goo in love with someone else barely any time out of our relationship is a different story
however. To me, the speed you moved at isn't smart on your part or kind to the last ex. Moving on too quickly can bury something or go into something for the wrong reason. A desire to not be alone after a relationship instead of starting something very special. What makes it even more dangerous is that this all started when he wasn't out of a relationship (even though he said it was a crappy one. If so crappy and so guaranteed to fail, why not just leave it and give no more chances?) and that he wasn't some short drive away but 2 time zones away. For all you knew, he could have been lying through his teeth on things. I'm not saying he is a liar. I'm saying that he could have been.

Then to be engaged without seeing him once and with already more fights in a short time than we ever had in the same time, under more stress, with the knowledge that you won't be seeing him much more than me, with more worries and greater worries than you ever had with me. Once again, very questionable choice. Heard of people getting married too soon or too young? This I'm sorry to say is totally unforgivable. This is the greatest insult to me: you were so certain about me, yet 1 1/2 months after me, you're even more certain about someone else. It is also a very dangerous thing to do for the same reason that its an insult to me.

This brings me to my next point: your arrogance that it will work or total uncaring about all this being a horrible idea. Confidence I can applaud. You were confident that I was the right one. You're arrogant that he is. Even though you haven't talked to him for that long or were even with him physically once, you are so certain that this is your Forever. Its not great confidence, its arrogance.

You've even admitted that it was probably a very bad idea. You also said that you awaited the consequences. Do you even know what they could possibly be? Having a child too soon, not knowing things about him that aren't small, having constant arguments over everything, possibly getting divorced, forcing yourself to overlook things because "he's perfect for me" even when things say he isn't. The worst one of all is having this all go to hell before marriage because he does something stupid or you realize that you two aren't actually perfect for each other, leading to not a broken heart, but a shattered heart.

If you balk at these or just dismiss them, you really are arrogant. You will probably say that you're an adult and you'll just have to deal with the consequences. Does that mean that your friends shouldn't question you if they think you're making a bad choice? Also, do you think that using the "I'm an adult!" argument is going to make me shut up? Preaching to me about individual freedom and liberty is like preaching to a church about God. Someone framed what you've done not as a responsible adult but as a whiny 16 year old that SWEARS that they're in love. I think that's almost or is a direct quote.

If not arrogant, then you really don't care. If you just don't care, that's scary. It means you may just drift along, surviving, hoping for everything to fall into place. Some parts of life do fall into place, no real input on your part needed. However, at least some of the greater parts of one's life come from planning for weeks, months, or even years ahead of time. Its because of such forward planning and life falling into place that my family lives in North Carolina, with my dad making a good amount of money with a house, two cars, an excellent credit rating, and a son off to a big university. If my dad had just floated around, it wouldn't have happened. He may have gotten some things, but probably nowhere near as much as he does now without planning weeks, months, or years ahead of time for things that needed it. You've told me many times that you want to do great things but you can't.

What is true and what is taken in are not the same thing. I never got a sense that you were going to move to Greensboro some day. My parents and me didn't leave Ohio in a week. My dad got laid off in late 1995, got his job he has today in February of 1996, then me and my mom moved down here to join my dad in June of 1996. For you, it'd take a lot longer, but it can be done. Set different sized goals so that you can do great things. It may take a year or four years, but if you save enough and look forward enough and set enough goals along the way, whatever it is you want to do can be done.

I just saw a common thing throughout this: I can't talk to you because you aren't the same person I met a year ago and dated for 9+ months. You have been hateful to someone who has legitimate points and hates drama. You've grown really loose with doing things that could harm you. You've said that you've been hurt and don't want it to happen again, yet you're doing things that could get you hurt. I'm not certain if you're being arrogant or self-destructive. I stated complaints as a wounded ex but also as someone who gives a damn about you as a friend. I did my best to be your friend, but I may not be able to be friends with my ex, at least not one that moved on so quickly.

You say that you don't need a long recovery time from a relationship. I do however. Especially this one. This was my first real relationship. I can't really consider a 4 week thing that was online except for one date my first real relationship. You said you would never do what she did. You didn't... you did worse than her. At least when she twisted the knife, she recognized and wanted to help me through her wrong. All you seem to want me to do is just accept your new happy life.

I don't curse your life, but I do see the odds of it working out stacked against you. Just staying married doesn't constitute it working. If you're happy with Ryan with no break from him, married to him, with 2 or 3 or 5 or however many children you'll have and they're healthy and all of you have everything you want and need, then I'll have to congratulate you on beating the odds.

Its a safe bet that everyone that I'm friends with but Lexie isn't friends with either hate you or at least don't approve of what you've done (I'm not certain on Lexie however). Not just because you've hurt me. They just don't see it your way. Faithe truly is mad at you. You deserve an anti-medal for that. No one and nothing except the very worst gets her mad. You were so scared that my friends hated you because of the end of our relationship. Well, now they do for all you've done since then.

All this isn't why you've been constantly calling me however (at lest its not been the stated reason). Its been about pajama pants. Talk to Lexie. I asked her a favor to get them for me. Send her a message on Facebook. She'll respond. I want nothing else back unless I left it by accident. I want no gifts back, no pictures back, nothing else back. If you don't want to save the pictures and gifts and use them to share the memories with your future children, then I'll take them and use them plus all the stuff I got to share them with mine.

I got a feeling that you really won't like that I wrote all this. You may be angry that I wrote it. Maybe guilt that you've done this. Maybe something I can't predict. Maybe you'll respect that I said it. If you want to do something for me, let me live life without you for a while. Yelling and screaming at you is not what I want to do. I just don't want to talk to you. I can't. My offer to be a friend if everything goes to hell on you is still extended out to you.

I apologize for the length of this message but I wanted to get it all out now. I am just totally unable to talk to you right now. Maybe in a few months, I'll be able to. Just not now. I don't harbor anger, just a desire to be left alone to recover from you.

Goodbye and a good life to you Christina Ann Cook.

After Some Time to Chew (and Still Chewing on It)

I didn't really spend much time chewing on my situation with Christy... Christina... Her... whatever the hell she'll be called by the end of this whole thing.

I've been perfectly content not talking to her. Its been like the old days before: nothing missing not talking to her and no real desire to talk to her. If she had never called me since I talked to her last, I'd be just fine. Better even.

However...

Her latest voice message didn't give me a feeling of me being forced to bow to just acting like all is fine. Something has changed in her on this. I think she found out how stiff I was being on this and it may really be getting to her now that she has hurt me.

Before it has been about the pajama pants I left once or more annoyingly and enraging "We need to talk" ["About what my former love?" I would either say, think or mutter.].

This time, she seemed more sad about me not wanting to talk to her. She didn't seem like she wanted to ram what she was doing down my throat. She even said that she'd give back anything I wanted.

I don't desire to take her reminders of our relationship. However, if she doesn't want them, I'll preserve them (and have yet another reason to hate her).

I'm not certain how it is I feel about her. I still have immense rage and distaste of her... but talking to her seems alright to do. At least just once, a conversation to return pajama pants, tell her what I feel, and be done with this business.

What is it I feel about her? I don't really hate her anymore. At first it was the pain of her moving on so quickly. Now, its the arrogance I feel she has shown to her life, her forcing me to accept all this, and her unwillingness to question her decision on this. She has SAID that our relationship was important but she has SHOWN that it was something she was able to just move on from.

"... if that is a sin then I plead guilty and will await for the punishment

That sounds almost self-destructive to me. "I know I've probably made a huge mistake, but I'll deal with whatever punishment will come from it."

Possible punishments of this:
- early pregnancy
- marriage that ends due to getting married too soon
- not knowing things about them
- constant, vicious, nasty fights over almost everything
- possible shattered heart and major emotional scarring

She awaits these in my opinion. Not just because she's left me. I am not doing this whole bitter-ex-that-can't-let-go shit.

When I talk to her, I'll say:
- I was hurt at first because you moved on, but it was also your cramming it down my throat and later your "I'll do what I want and can handle ANYTHING!!!" attitude.

- Right now, I don't hate you, but I don't really like you either. I just can't talk to you right now. I can't hear about how happy you are with him and how you think you'll get "Forever" out of him. You told me the same things, meaning you lied somewhere (at least to some part of me it seems that way). [ <--- Possible problem area]

- My life has been just fine without talking to you. I refused to pick up because I knew it'd be probably you trying to force me to smile, be happy for you, and not question you decisions with Ryan

I may call her at some point or I may just answer the phone next time she calls....

I donno...

The Trip Up to Ohio June, 2010 (and a Few other Things)

Just got back from the family trip up to Ohio. It was a very good trip I must say.

We left June 19th and stopped in Marietta, Ohio for the night. We left Marietta to go see my Uncle Phil in Malta, Ohio. He was a much, much happier person than he was last year when me and dad brought him down here. He was much more the Uncle Phil I remember from my childhood.

After that, we departed off to Dayton, Ohio to see the rest of the family. Aunt Melissa, two of my cousins Aubrey and Noah, my uncle Brian, and my grandparents were there. We got Joe's Pizza which is up the street. [First thing I wanted to do in Ohio, done]. Aubrey, Noah, and me started playing card games. Golf was quite fun. As was the later Blackjack. Me and Aubrey played both and Noah joined the blackjack later. We betted candy. Over the next few days, me, dad, Alexander, and Noah played the Gamecube. Me and dad went out to buy fireworks that we can't get in North Carolina [strike another thing off the list]. On the way back, we stopped at Marion's pizza and got a 9" pizza [third thing off the list]. While we were there, someone backed into the place at high speed. When we left we saw the damage: the back of the lady's car from the left end of the bumper to the right side of her car where the gas tank is was shredded and some of the bricks at Marion's were knocked off or damaged.

After me and dad had our fun, I went to see Toy Story 3 with Aunt Melissa, Noah, Aubrey, and one of Aubrey's friends (possibly new boyfriend... I didn't pay attention that well). It was a great movie! Very worthy sequel to the series. I did have tears in my eyes at the end of the movie I shall admit without regret. Played Risk: 2210 AD against my dad and won and played against Aubrey and won. Guess I'm that good.

Meals and fun conversation with various family members went grandly. I love eating a meal at a table instead of on the floor or on my bed. Its not that my parents are too poor to buy a good kitchen table and chairs... its that we're too lazy to find a place for the stuff we pile on top of it... >.>  <.<  >.> it does explain why my dorm room is nothing but piles of stuff I don't need at the moment...

A few minor issues did come up however. The room me and my dad had to ourselves was really hot. Its upstairs so heat rises. It was so bad I couldn't fall asleep on the first night or on any of the nights. The first night was the worst however. It wasn't so much the heat that kept me up most of the time. The time everyone was going to bed was another issue. It was at 12 or 1 when I'm still going for a while. I had to get up and go pace and mutter for a while. The bathroom upstairs is carpeted. Yeah, its not normal but it helped me however. Maybe it was the heat or maybe it was the pacing but it helped me to do it. I even managed to nod off twice on the floor, which may have helped me go to sleep in bed.

Alexander acted up a few times, but its to be expected from him. They weren't strong moments but I had moments where I wish I could have contributed more instead of just listening. I wish I had interacted a bit more, but I did feel that I interacted in a quite stellar manner.

Then there were the calls from Her. I either silenced the ringer or outright Ignored the call. She even tried to make her cell number private right after I hit 'Ignore' on the call before. I didn't want to talk to her. [Later on, it gets a bit dicey however on how strong I'm gonna be on that... maybe... still thinking about it]

After a wonderful time up with family, it was time to go find Jean Rose, a very old family friend. Met them in 1998 and stayed very close to the family until they had to depart in 2004. Contact since then has been very sporadic from what I can tell. The life Jean and Alina once lived is no more. They lived a bit below where my family lived I guess. Despite a divorce, a car wreck, and I'm certain a thousand other major and minor problems, she's as happy as can be. It wasn't just seeing us (if it was, man she was happy to see us!). Not a sense of anger, depression, bitterness, nothing at all while seeing her.

Alina wasn't there, but is close by. She could come visit us at some point if she so desired. She should at least keep in contact with me since she's in her Senior year of high school and college is not that far away (at least in deadlines for stuff like FAFSA). It'd be nice to really get to know her again. Last time I can really say I knew her well was in 2004. Middle school changes you a lot.

Jean is planning on returning to North Carolina once Alina has made her 18 Year Old Decision. Don't think it'd be bad for Alina to do the same. My parents could use their greatest friend in North Carolina again. They're doing pretty good, but I know it'd be fucking awesome if they had a great friend again. With Alina, I could try to find out how to integrate old loves Christy into my life, if I can. Alina was never my girlfriend, but we could have been if she had stayed in North Carolina or had come back to North Carolina at some point.

Now I gotta talk about Christy. She called me while my family was sitting in the Food Lion parking lot in Kernersville. I hit "Ignore" and she left a voice message. I think all my ignoring has moved something. Either I've had enough time away or she's started to realize the whole "Make him agree or force harder" tactic wasn't working. I'm not so certain I'm angry. I've been perfectly fine without her.

I think I'll need to chew on it a bit longer and write another Vox later.

adeu my friends [its great to be home again]
*bows*

Thought Chain: June 16, 2010

Its 2:43 AM at the moment and I'm not near sleep at the moment so I decided to spend this time to just let thoughts flow out in a place far from many and where it isn't really anything that needs to be read (not that many of my Vox entries don't need to be read. All the others have been [except the QotD ones. Boredom becomes me sometimes when they're interesting enough])

I'm not tired at the moment because I have no good sleep cycle. I've been staying up until 2, 3 or 4 or maybe even 5 AM playing video games, watching TV, thinking, or trying to go to sleep. The business with Her has had an effect on it along with the habit anyway. When I do wake up, I haven't immediately gotten up, instead laying in bed and dozing off. Wake up at 8, wake back up at 11, doze back off, get up at 12:15 or 12:30 or even 1 like I did today. I failed to reset my internal clock today. The last few times I've tried this, I've gotten to 5 - 7 AM, dozed for an hour or 2 or 4, then stayed up all day until it was time for me to go to bed. Thought I'd repeat it again. I woke up at at 9:30... then 1 o' clock.

Some may envy me for having this, but I don't like it. For one, I've taken pride in being up at a reasonable hour (used to be 8 AM. 9 was ok. 10 was late). Being at UNCG, 9:30 has been the magic time when the Caf opens (going to change since I got all Flex and no meal plan, but I could change that. Will look into it later). 8 was the time when my favorite cartoons would start on Kid's WB (Channel 3). Even after I stopped watching those cartoons, being up by 8 or 9 was still my much preferred (and mostly met) time to get up. It wasn't at UNCG, but at some point, that started changing. 9 was met a lot, but so was 10. At some point, it started becoming 11. It has hovered between 9 and 10 for a long time now. Two years ago, it was 11 for no real good reason.

It certainly wasn't because I had long conversations with Jessica until the wee hours. Two years ago today, I was going to SOAR at UNCG. Two years ago today, I met Lexie. Two years ago today, Jessica wrote a blog saying she liked a guy she was talking to online (me). [or was it tomorrow? or two days later? no, it was either today or tomorrow...]. Two years ago today, I had plans to go do a bunch of yard work around my parents' house. By this point two years ago, I had a pit for my dad's fire pit.

My oh my how things are different since then...

Two relationships, gone (one being so short I'm not certain that I can give it that distinction). Greatest friend from middle and high school, angry at me then forgiving me. School, started with a major stumble, then turning into a hard, yet rewarding grind. Driver's license, still don't have. Job, no real search for one has been done. Inner circle, radically grown. Beliefs on things, changed, some good, some bad. Political identity, secured.

I'm quite happy to have Lexie as my friend. Its been a very nice distraction to hang with her. I have a larger social circle from her merry band of friends. I've started to see that I do have some non-academic intelligence. I have 9 months of happiness that I wouldn't exchange for the world (the 1 1/2 months of hell, chaos, and anger after it, however, I'd give away in less than the blink of an eye). I've found that I am more random and non-planning than I thought. Absolutely got to make a much, much stronger effort to spend more time with Lexie and her merry band. Her being very much a non-planner puts a bit of a challenge into it, but I can deal. Less sitting on my ass all the time, requests of known busy times, and I've got it.

I've got this urge to write more about Lexie, but it may come to me later. This is not going to be quite as structured as my other writings quite usually are.

Now is my time to start really pulling together all the pieces I need to really start making my own life. I'm back to a state of mind I had in early Summer '08, where I thought "its all about to begin!"

The Grand Forsetti Faithe is certainly going to be one part of it I'll never let go. The second really great friend in my inner circle, she's seen me through hard times and great times. I credit it to the always positive attitude, I've never had a moment of anger at her. I've shared anger with her about something. Or maybe its a sign of the times, that getting angry is an old relic of my past. I say its both. From Jessica to Byron's (justifiable) anger with me to school to annoying at times roommate James to good academics to Her to a thousand other things, she's been there. The Forsetti and the Czar shall stay close for decades to come. She too I'll have to find a good plan to hang out with more often.

Having a girlfriend has been a great accomplishment, my shining jewel in my crown, the thing that makes my life grand. Her and me had a great relationship... at a long distance. I genuinely did (and I believe still do) love her. She wasn't perfect, but she was perfect enough to me. Just maybe not for me. If not for Alina making me a Myspace, Lexie not hearing from her first college, attending the same SOAR I did, taking a picture at the fountain at the same time I was sitting there, possibly them not hanging out for so long, and me keeping my Myspace, I wouldn't have dated Her for 281 days.

I wouldn't exchange the first 6 or so months for anything at all. Everything from then until the last 10 days, it'd still be something I wouldn't want to give up. Maybe change, but not give up. Not sure I want the last 10 days. We had sex way too soon in conditions I did not approve of. We rarely talked after that, my overpowering love of her driving me mad. Long distance relationships ain't for me. Too much control out of my hands and too little time just laying and cuddling with my love for me. I won't rant on what she's done. Not in a ranting-about-that-mood.

Strangely, at this very moment, I'm content on being by myself without a love. It may be the time or something else, but at this moment, I'm content.

My bizarre sleeping pattern may be helping me stay in a good place right now.

I'm gaming much like I have in times past. I've touched an old PS2 favorite of mine: Star Wars Battlefront. I still whoop the AI's ass on my favorite maps. I touched another old favorite: Saint's Row, a worthy competitor to Grand Theft Auto for urban sandbox game play in my opinion. I'm playing online with Byron and even Curtis a bit more.

My dynamic with Alexander has shifted to a better one. Its not like him and me hated each other. He's 8 but mentally a younger child. He's got mental, emotional, and maybe other issues, but he's a great kid. I'm not sure what it was but I've had a difficult time in the past months being able to stay 100% good with his behavior. I'm a bit snappish at him. I think I spend so much time a) away from others and b) as a grown up and c) planning my life as a grown up that I may get a bit stuck in it without realizing it. Again, we've gotten better. I've learned to just roll with what he's rambling about more, but I do try to teach him some at times. He's a bit hard headed and I admit maybe I do cross the line sometimes and make him angry, but I really want him to learn and know all the things me and my dad didn't learn until much later on.

Same with my dad. I've not had as many "GRAH!" moments with him as I've had in times past. He just isn't the same sharp, always on point guy he was when I was growing up. He just seems lost in his own (not good) place too often and just wants to ignore the world around him sometimes. He doesn't seem that way lately. Last moment was his overreaction (to me at least) to my brother leaving a glass on the floor. He did step on it, but didn't break it luckily. Yes, leaving a glass on the floor is just a stupid idea. However, yelling to get the "fucking glass off the floor" is not needed. Bring him in and say "Hey! Don't leave a glass on the floor! Someone could step on it and cut their foot!" but that's just me.

I haven't had my dynamic with my mom change much if at all. It never really had to. It has always been great. She's calm, nice, and a very good mom. Maybe a touch pestering, but she is my mom. Gotta let her have that.

I most certainly don't have the pent up "gotta get outta here!" anger and frustration of 2 years ago or of any other time (at least right now I think period for now). I'm not entirely certain I know what I want to do at the moment, but in a few days or weeks, I'll have a thousand things I'll be working on.

Its 3:41 AM and my eyes are telling me to go to sleep as is my body, but I want to see if I can properly reset my internal clock again.

Allow me to keep my mind stimulated now:

I think I do know the important details of what my perfect, til-the-end-of-time, never-ending, full of love, turns into marriage and have kids with relationship will need to have. Basic: a good moral person. No seeing no issue with dating fast and blind or engaging really quick or smoking/drinking/shooting up/doing drugs with no real care. Gotta be a kind, gentle soul. Can't be too prissy and fixated on looks. I'll accept a long time to prepare, but only when really needed and on sensible things. If you need to apply not make up but your face, eh, sorry, I ain't yours. No being very vain. Have inner beauty, it gets you further.

Onto more meat-and-potatoes on what it must have: either an uber fan of watching video games or playing video games like real gamers do. Gotta be willing to pick up on the details of the consoles, games, controllers, the industry at large. Of course, being a gamer is a much, much better thing. I don't think they'll be able to be too far away from where I stand politically. Socialists and anarchists need not apply to get my heart. Republicans and Democrats aren't excluded however. She'll need to care some how she looks, but no excessive make up application or spending an hour to get dressed for EVERYTHING (very very rare exception may apply, but we'll have to see).

The trickiest thing: intelligence. How smart? Smart at all? Is there a "too smart"? Must she be a female me? Is a lack of uncaring for history, science, and such acceptable? If so, how much? I think I got the answer. She can be quite a bit like me, watching Discovery, History, Science, Military, and other such channels by her own choosing and a lot. Don't have to however. Can watch Animal Planet, A&E, and the broadcast channels' soaps. She doesn't have to be a walking source on everything. Can just be maybe not an intellectual driving to always learn, but be very willing to learn anyway.

She can be very much my mom or my dad on this. Either be smart in her own way or always have a few documentaries, science shows, and other informational things on her viewing schedule.

At least, I think this may be it...

Its 3:57 AM. I may stop now, but I'm keeping the window open just in case I don't.

4:02 AM is the end time of this blog. All thoughts are dumped for the time being.

Adeu my friends
*bows*

its 6:09 AM and I haven't gone to sleep yet. Don't plan on it until tonight.

My family is going up to Ohio for the yearly visit to the rest of the family. Uncle Phil, Aunt Melissa, Granny & Pappaw, cousin Aubrey, others that show up at Granny & Pappaw's house. Its not that I'm worried about going up. I love going up there. Always have (minus funerals). Its always a gorgeous drive up and back, through the mountains of Virginia and West Virginia, glorious views for miles out, beautiful pictures of the mountains in the distance, a long view at Pilot Mtn, a view of the golden Capitol Dome in Charleston, West Virginia, the mix of Midwestern looking farms with the mountains. The stop to get lunch or dinner at a fast food restaurant, usually McDonald's. Listening to the radio or a book on CD from the library. The shopping trip me and dad take to buy fireworks at the TNT store in Dayton. Going out and shopping for something we don't know we want yet (i.e. shopping). Listening to my granny and mom talk. Remembering the old memories of years past. Hearing the stories of where my family members are now. Watching TV in the upstairs room with my dad late at night (ok: semi late, like 11 or 12). Waking up and eating breakfast at a table, eating a meal, be it home cooked or not, at the table.

Don't think I'll have the whole new world of tech integrated into that just yet. It went well in '08... kinda. Didn't really have the ability to in '09 since I wasn't up there really more than a few hours at a time.

This is my favorite thing to do. I rarely see these members of my family. Its always been a great time for me up there (minus funerals). Its also a total change in my routine: to ride in a car through the mountains of Virginia and West Virginia and Ohio and the farms & highways of Ohio; the entertainment we have up and back; seeing these people on such a rare occasion and having much to talk about; getting gifts

OOO! OOOOOO!! OOOOOOOOO!!!

One other thing! Eating Marion's Pizza! We didn't last year (I honestly don't believe) but at least me and dad go out at some point and eat Marion's Pizza. It is great pizza. They cut the pizza not into slices but into small squares. Therefore, the ingredients are put on different. Everything must be a complete layer. The layer of hamburger, cheese, I think onion, sauce, perhaps some other things... mmmmmm.... making me hungry (hungrier since I should be in the middle of my sleeping fast right now) thinking about it...

*is tempted to drool*

They have an arcade in the restaurant while you wait too. I remember him and me having some sort of college-related talk once in Marion's pizza. Wow... I just realized that Marion's has a greater significance than I thought...

Its definitely a set of memories I'll remember forever

I left Ohio when I was 6 in 1996. From 1997 to 2000, me and mom would fly up to Ohio in June to see my family. We didn't go up in 2001 but not because of 9/11 (if you can check a calender, you'd see that). We moved into our house that year so we had no money for that and my mom was pregnant with my brother [funny story: we didn't know whether he was a boy or a girl until he was born. Kept being turned the wrong way to allow anyone to see], but some of my family came down here to see us for Thanksgiving. Since 2002 (I think) we've driven up to Ohio to see the family. Well, I should say dad drives us up there while I handle the directions, while mom and Alexander sit in the back.

Wouldn't trade going up there for however long it is I go up there for anything in the world (except maybe more time at a later time. Maybe ).

Last time I went up to Ohio, I was laying the very beginnings of a foundation for my first real relationship. Time before that (technically the time before the time before that), I was just beginning my time with Jessica. I'd like to have a relationship in full swing while I go up there. Perhaps even once get her up there to be seen by my family. Maybe not on the James, Shari, Nicholas, and Alexander Spitzer Trip, but a trip at some point. It'd be an excuse to show her beautiful mountains, especially one part in Virginia. There's one point while on the highway off to the side where there is a large valley between two mountains. You're very high up and with the large valley between the two mountains, you can see for miles and miles and miles. Unfortunately, you are on an interstate highway so you can't really stop and look at it. I really wish I could. I know my dad wishes we could too.

I think that's all for now. Its 6:56 AM. I should find something to do until 8 or so, then start my day.

Once again, adeu my friends
*bows*

Not my Concern Any Longer

This is the Facebook note of the same name, but with added details.

Its official: me and Christina Cook do not see eye-to-eye on much of anything anymore.

She's now engaged to her new boyfriend. 3 weeks into the new relationship, 1 1/2 months after ours ended.

She is using the "I'm an adult and I can do whatever I want!" defense, which doesn't phase me. I'm a Libertarian, I stand for adults doing as they please... responsibly. If you're responsible, moral, and ethical, I don't get on your case. However, officially starting a relationship a month after your last one with someone in a worse place than the last one then getting engaged without seeing them once, that doesn't show responsibility, morality, or ethics.

She admits that she hasn't known him long but "god he just brings emotions out of me that I have never had before and if that is a sin then I pledge guilty and will wait for the punishment".

If that's her feelings, then ok then. Let her life go to hell and go to ashes. Let her be under even more stress than with me. Ryan for now lives in Utah. He's going to be living in Greensboro. He seems to have a great love for drink. He has told her that she may not be pregnant now, but she will be once he gets to North Carolina. She told him once that they'll have sex once they're married. His first response: "Lets get married then".

Gee... I wonder why he wants to be engaged to her?

When all this goes to hell on her, when she finds that he's focusing only on having sex, when she finds that being with him is more stressful than dating me, when she finds that she's having more issues than problems being with him, what will I do?

I'll be here to help her rise from the ashes. No "I told you so!", no "you were stupid!", no "what were you thinking!". I could do what others would do in my place, but I have too much class and dignity to do so. The best way to win this battle is to let life happen to her, let the heavy odds against her be fulfilled, and have what's meant to be happen happen to her.

The truth will set you free. Piling on her emotionally fragile state won't do any good, just harm. So until then, I won't talk to her. It will be a long time if it doesn't happen. It may be a few months, it may be a few years, or even a few decades before I talk to her again.

She doesn't seem to care about how her life really goes if you ask me. She's very loose on smoking and a bit loose on drinking. Neither heavily, but with the total stress she's under in her life, an occasional activity can easily turn into a terrible habit that slowly kills her later in life. She said she wanted to move to Greensboro when we were dating, but I never saw the fire in her. I heard many reasons why not, but no "but I'll still try".

I can try to tell her what she's doing is wrong, or she can have these things backfire and collapse on her. I wish her no ill will, no bad luck, no wish for her to rot. I wish for her to meet her full potential, and until she starts taking a more vigorous stand on things, at least on relationships, she won't do so. Having sex before marriage probably won't work for her. Getting married will probably have to wait until more than a year before getting engaged.

Until her life is in order, she can have a whatever life she has. All of you can keep talking to her like you have before, you can cut back contact, or you can just disown her. I do not condone any bad things towards her. If you want to have some nonsupporting words with her, I won't condone or condemn them.

She worried that my friends and parents hating her and not liking her anymore. I can't speak for all, but I know at least one is mad at her and another is possibly mad at her. She got what she feared.

I pisses me the fuck off: every time I have some major concern about her (i.e. smoking, getting engaged so soon), it immediately turns into some sort of attack on her freedom to do as she pleases. Again, the whole "I'm an adult!" argument doesn't make me stop. I believe that, I am a fucking Libertarian! My apologies for having a strong opinion on something that may protect her from immense harm.

This started as me feeling hurt that she seemed to value the relationship that little, but now its turned into me being a good person and friend and trying to protect her from a very stupid decision. Right now, I'll give the full conversation her and me had via text earlier today:

Her: "I heard wt u wrote on ur status n facebook!"

Me: "Yeah. And?"

Her: "U better watch [it] I am 20 yrs old n hve the right to do wt I want to do ok yes I admit I havent known him back [?] but god he just brings emotions out of me that I have never had before and if that is a sin then I pledge [plead] guilty and will await for the punishment"

Me: "Enjoy then. I don't want to talk to you. If it goes to hell on you, I will not say "I told you so". All I will do is help you rise from the ashes. I have too much dignity and class to do otherwise"

Her: "Watever"

So ends this nearly 1 year encounter with her. I'm finding that more and more it was a blessing to get away from her. She has given in into the trailer park trash mentality, that every dispute should be escalated into violence or at least a verbal assault. There's no classy way to handle anything. It is what has started family feuds, or even does. Parents hate the exes of their children just because or because of very good reason. Truly good guys seem rare while the bottom of the bucket are a dime a 2 dozen. She won't admit it but she doesn't have a desire to leave Reidsville. There's always a reason to not even try: grandparents are sick, can't transfer a job for a long time, gotta/want to go to RCC (why is beyond me, but ok), no insurance, no car, want to watch out for a younger sibling, the list could go on I'm certain.

She's stuck in the mentality of a bitter backwoods or small town person. Typically, someone gets this way because they can't leave and go somewhere better or "its too hard". Someone can make a thousand excuses, but won't say "I'm doing it anyway goddammit!" If it takes 5 or 10 years, fine. Just don't give up due to the difficulty. You may need to spend 99.9% of your income to surviving, but there's still 0.1% to be saved for leaving. Knock out what you need one by one. Insurance, car, job nearby, money, then plan for leaving or plan while getting those things.

And for god's sake DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF TO INSIDE THE COUNTY FOR A JOB!!!

If a guy who gets drunk a lot, may do something stupid when he goes out, has many unresolved issues somewhere else, and seems to want to have sex is what She wants, then she can have him. I'll be here, ready to pick her up out of the ashes and help her learn the lessons she needs to learn. If she has it all go to ash again, I donno, maybe I'll help again. If I get to that fork in the road, I'll decide then.

adeu my friends
*bows*

Back to Square 1 Again

No need to restate the by now well known end of the relationship (even though in saying that, I'm doing just that... >.> <.<  >.>  anywho...)

Right now and in the past few days, perhaps week by now, I've started to have the old feelings of being alone, longing for someone to lay with, to enjoy things with, to share experiences with. It is dead on, exactly the same as it was before Christina. Exactly the same.

Then again, I've felt like I've kinda traveled back in time more than once recently. I was working on trimming the bushes the other day (the first of 3 or maybe 4 days of doing that project) and I felt like it was the summer of 2008 again, after graduation but before starting to date Jessica. I was motivated to do a lot of yard work, to fix my dad's fire pit up by making it a pit (the only major thing I got done that summer). After I started dating her, I didn't want to go outside and after it ended, I couldn't motivate myself to.

While I'm in a thought transition, I may want to explain something now:

For one, I ain't mad at Christina anymore. She called me a day after I told her I didn't want to talk to her... and the evening I re-explained it (I believe that was the time line, may be a day off.. anyhow...). She sent an IM to my phone and I didn't answer. She called my phone and I didn't answer. She left a voice message saying she knew I was mad at her and I didn't want to talk to her but she needed someone to talk to because Ryan's phone was dead, no one else could answer her and I'm assuming  because it was 1 something in the morning and almost everyone else was asleep.

I sat there for a moment, thinking about it. "Should I? She did hurt me and didn't seem to respect that I wasn't over it yet." Actually wasn't going to call her back. I had good reason too: I had to get up early the next morning for blood work. However, I am a forgiving person and she was in need of someone to talk to.

Hell, the fact that she'd call me knowing I was mad at her made her worthy of a call back.

I called her and the subject of my great unhappiness towards her came up. She said some things I needed to hear because I wasn't seeing them in her actions. She said outright that the 9 months I had spent with her wasn't in vain, that it was something special for her. There was something else before that, but it slips my mind.

Something I thought about the next day or so was that it may not be that I'm not over the relationship that is making it hard to hear her talk about being so happy with him, but the fact that she's happy and I'm starting to feel that old familiar loneliness now. I have this problem whenever I'm not in a relationship: its not so much that the happy couples sicken me or that I'm grumpy towards them, but seeing them be so happy makes me long for a relationship. Worst situation to be in is seeing your only great friend you hang out with enter into a relationship and your time with them plummets to practically nothing. That's a sad story that's not very relevant beyond that however.

The second thing I want to explain now is that I may be calling Jessica and Christina by their full names to in a way hold some weird power over my past and in some bizarre way pound the first ex into the ground and take a swipe at the last ex without actually taking a swipe at her. Its, again, bizarre but I get some great power out of calling them by their full first names (Jessica and Christina) instead of the nicknames they introduced themselves to me with (Jessie and Christy)

I may need to clarify this (or at least just point it out if it isn't already clear): I am NOT comparing the two to each other. There is no comparison. Jessica was may very bad things. Christina could easily seem like some bad things but isn't really. I can't quite explain what I mean, but I may be able to at some point. Also, this is a one way conversation and I can't have someone's immediate feedback that I'm wrong.

Back to the main point of the blog, I felt like it was the summer of 2008 again and a lot was possible. Summer of 2008 was the Lost Summer. Its a summer where I didn't do anything after making the fire pit a pit. Really, I didn't do anything except the fire pitting, talking to Faithe, getting to know Lexie, and having my heart broken again within about 3 months. Summer 2009 wasn't Lost Summer 2.0 since I did do something (completing Calc I over the summer) and a relationship began but didn't crash and burn a short time later. However, Summer 2009 wasn't an anti-Summer 2008 since it was a vastly different dynamic.

This summer will fix the problems I had in the Lost Summer:
- didn't accomplish a lot of major things around the yard
- didn't do a lot if anything away from the house
- didn't do a lot of social interaction with my friend(s) away from technology
- was lonely and depressed a lot

Maybe I'll still combat the lonely feeling but now I'll do it with yard work, events away from the house, hanging with friends, and not having long distance relationship #3 occur on me.

I do bear good news that starting at square 1 is helping me build up a better me. For one, I've started talking to Samantha more. I'm finding that talking to her on the phone is a great thrill. She has the intellect that I like in a good friend. Not that all the people I have as good friends need to have intellect. She has many qualities that I like. It can be proven by the fact that I talked to her on the phone until 5 in the morning last we talked on the phone. Part of it (not a major part of it but at least some small bit of it) is the "Oooo... New and Shiny" Effect: because its new, its so much more awesome. I need to get better on actually contacting her to talk instead of having her start to text me to talk.

Another great thing this restart at square 1 has bore is my hanging out with the Grand Forsetti Faithe. I needed someone to hang out with at some point so that I wasn't sitting around rotting over my relationship and me being alone. I unexpectedly got that time the day I said it on Twitter. I just assumed the she'd be too busy to do so for a few days. I ain't complaining though! It was a grand time and its another example that planning is not always needed, that I can just ask a friend to hang out and it can happen.

It was also a perfect excuse to start showing my family my social network that I have built over the past 2 years. Christina was the first time, kinda sorta. There are probably a few more I'll need to show them, Lexie being the biggest one I can think of at the moment. I know more are out there however. Perhaps Brian Gregory? I donno. An issue for another time.

I'm quite impressed at the length I got out of this...

Just as much as it was when I first heard this song, this song is very powerful to me at this time. Its message, both out of and in a relationship, is the reason why its the #5 most played song on my iTunes

Nickelback - Gotta Be Somebody [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

adeu my friends
*bows*

2010, not 2008 nor 2009

9 days after moving back home from UNCG for the summer and I'm starting to combat old feelings of not having my grand life I want.

I'm not feeling trapped here, at least not yet. I'm not getting the urge to claw at the walls and get away from here for a while. I did have an urge at one point to walk around, but without sidewalks, I can't.

Random thought: We should build more sidewalks in America. That would encourage people to walk or bike more. Right now, you gotta have a car to be safe. However, given time people could make money first making the sidewalks, second maintaining them (i.e. repairs, cleaning), and third helping fix the problems we'd face walking versus driving like carrying groceries home. I think its a grand idea.

I am finding that I have little reason to get up again. I get up to eat, play video games, watch TV, exist, go back to sleep, maybe talk to some people. No classes to go to, no groups to attend to, no people to hang out with (easily), no walking around, no major thing to look forward to in a short time frame. At UNCG I always have something I can look to in case I got nothing to do. So, I'll watch TV or play video games or do something else to pass time until then.

All else, having a girlfriend to grab my attention at all time helps a lot. "I got nothing to do. Perfect time to talk to her!" "I just did something amazing in this game! I wanna tell her what I just did!" "This has been a hard day. She'll cheer me up." "Today was awesome! She'll make it better!"

For 281 days, I had that. I had a reason to wake up, to not want to go to sleep, to finish class, to wrap up a group's meeting, to finish hw, to stop doing something, to do or not do things. Now, its survive until I return to UNCG in the fall.

I don't think I got to say this but this isn't a "my life is a complete waste" thing. Its a "I really need something to do but I don't got anything to do" thing.

Technically, I have two things to focus on: driver's license, job. Driver's license is a more concrete goal. Job for the summer is only if its possible to get to in Greensboro.

The bad comes and goes. Its been a hell of a lot worse. I know that I do have friends that I can hang out with. I just... its just not easily accessible. I'll have to work around people's schedules, which may be packed. I can't plan if people aren't online though. Not complaining at anyone just to make that clear.

Most of all though, I want a girlfriend. The realization that I don't have that and the effects of that are really starting to sink in. As I get further from the end, it sinks in more and more. I haven't seen much of it, but seeing couples and stories about them are starting to hammer it in more.

Mostly talking to Christy doesn't make it worse. I don't mind talking to her. Our friendship will have a different dynamic than others I've got. We talk on the phone, which I haven't done ever or in a long time with other friends. Used to with Byron, but that was a while ago. Last time was short and it was asking whether I was at home and that he and Curtis would swing by to see me. Keve and Josh Munn talked on the phone quite a bit too.

That was all before my introduction to online interactions. Even then, me and Alina talked on the phone quite a bit. Since then, Christy's been the first person I've talked to on the phone at length repeatedly. Beyond that, its been AIM, Facebook, Myspace, text, or in person during or after class or in the groups I'm in.

The following stuff I'd put in another Vox viewable by friends, but I'll just put here in this neighborhood-viewable Vox. It fits with this Vox entry.

I said "mostly" above because there have been times here and there where the pain comes back. Its been a lot of how things were said. Christy, let me make this clear: I didn't want to bring these things up because I don't want you feeling bad or guilty or like a bitch or whatever other bad thing you feel. Also, I know you didn't mean to say things in the way they came out.

The first was not long after the relationship ended when she went over putting away the tangible things of our relationship. "Key chain, photo frame, [I think something else]... ok, done" is the rough quote she said. I think I put this in the Facebook note my greatest friends were able to read (and later Christy at her request and my warning that it wasn't pretty and we had made peace). It came off as just something to do. It had the sound of importance as just some errand on a list. 'Go get milk' or 'get gas' or 'mail the package for mom'. I also said that it wasn't that for me. I was in a state of shock. I slowly did it. I even left the picture of us at 2 months on the wall for last. I was just shell shocked and dazed and confused.

There have been a few other occasions that I cannot recall probably because they were small.

There are three other things that are just life going on for her.

For one, she has started talking to an old middle school friend online. He's currently in Utah but given the right circumstances (and time for Christy to decide to start dating again), they could be a happy couple. He's currently not single and at least saying he's gonna break up with his girlfriend.

Maybe I shouldn't give this my approval just yet: for one he isn't single, yet says he loves Christy (which if he's lying, he'll be demonized by me because she takes that saying quite seriously). Another thing, I've heard that he talks about drinking a bunch. When one wakes up to their girlfriend riding them, I start to rethink my association and make sure that I'm not very much associated with them.

Starting to think I shouldn't approve of him much at all, but I don't know him that well. He could also change his ways once he's around Christy. Maybe. Hopefully. I don't know.

The other event in her life was just a random day for her. Her friend invited her over for a gaming night. They played a lot of video games. She's planning on getting a 360 and a lot of games. As much as I bragged about her being a gamer, we didn't really play big video games together. She tried GTA IV once. She played arcade games. However, there was never a time where we played through a Left 4 Dead Campaign or traded off playing Call of Duty or made a joint character in Fallout 3 or anything like that. I would plan on it, but it never panned out. Something else would happen. Never anything bad though.

When I say I want a 'gaming girlfriend', I want what you think a real gamer is: gets excited about big title games, cares and at least moderately understands the console, gaming is an activity they do regularly just because they enjoy it. I want someone doing what Christy seems to be doing now.

Random thought: This put Becky back on the table for she is a gamer and enjoys playing them for fun. Something to handle once back at UNCG or to be shelved indefinitely if a great girl comes along.

This third thing could seriously cause some problems. I kept it to myself because I didn't want her really mad at me and for her to feel even more stressed. Something also told me how small a thing it really is, but I'd might as well address it since it fits in this blog:

Why Christy when you wrote on Vox about our relationship being over did you 1) write such a short blog 2) just cover the break up, but not at least say it was a great time and/or say you wish me great luck in finding a great girlfriend and 3) WrItE iT lIkE tHiS sO tHaT iT iS hArD fOr SoMeOnE lIkE mE tO rEad?

The shortness I could kinda wave off. No time to write a longer blog and it wasn't terribly long after we broke up.

Not saying it was a great time or at least saying you hope I find another girlfriend or even both? I guess I could look past it just like the first, but its hard to do.

Now, the alternating upper and lower case: WHY?!? What purpose did that serve? Do you think it looks better? It doesn't! Its harder to read! I can't speculate on a good reason why. I sEe No GoOd ReAsOn To WrItE sOmEtHiNg LiKe ThIs. It takes longer to type and for me at least, its harder to read.

I want an answer at least on that third thing. The shortness and lack of good wishes I can just write off as a lack of time (well, at least the first one). If me being pissed off about it is a problem, too bad! If me not bringing it up sooner is a problem, for that I am very sorry about. I want a really good reason why you'd write a blog on something so major in such a way. When I write something like this, its for one thing probably long and for another thing really well written and clear. Next to writing a paper, I write in my most proper English.

Random thought: I write in pretty proper English anyway. I just duck questionable stuff in papers like ending a sentence in a semicolon.

This has not been one of my better days today. I'm feeling really alone with almost no one to on a constant basis or someone to game with or something to do.

Gotta distract myself a lot over the summer or this will be first of many days like this...

adeu my friends
*bows*

Hitting Hard On Today of All Days

Today should have been a very happy day today. 10 months of relationship bliss for me and Christy. Such a happy occasion where we celebrate not being alone any more for the 10th straight month.

Instead, its a day where I must live my life like I sorta did two summers ago. I get up, survive, do any important things, go to sleep, repeat. Granted, I do have friends to talk to now and the knowledge that they will hang out with me and a goal to get my driver's license.

For now though, its the life I lived before (plus some awesome additions).

I'm not writing this because I noticed it would have been 10 months today. I'm writing it because I've started to fall into a "I've got nothing to do" rut I can fall into without homework to do, classes to go to, groups to attend to, and friends to hang out with, and without a special someone to occupy my time by just existing and being mine. I'd be giddy with excitement if all had held together like it was supposed to.

Thinking about it, The relationship changed in December or January. I see some things now:

1) We didn't see each other every 2 or 3 weeks like we had before. If I saw her more often than about a month, it was because she sneaked out and if I spent the night with her, I was snuck in and out. When she did sneak to see me, it was really late.

2) When I did see her for a while there, it wasn't time with just her. Her friend (and driver) Kelsea Shelton was there too. It wasn't horrid to have her there too, but I wanted time with just Christy.

3) Some of my time seeing her was spent on random road trips. One to Raleigh, the other to a city 2 hours or so away in Virginia so Shelton could first meet and then see her boyfriend (who got into a wreak and at least was in a coma... and had two girlfriends. Man, he'll wish he was still in a coma if he hasn't woken up yet...). Also, she would have to be in the front seat or driving, so I couldn't just cuddle with her in the back seat for a long time.

4) Like 2, when we did do these road trips, me and Christy couldn't really be alone for a lot of the time.

5) There was little cuddling time in my opinion. Part of it was the whole long distance thing, but she also was quite determined to be quite physical in showing she loved me. I felt quite the same so I obliged her, but I would have liked to have done that less in hindsight (heck, even in the sight of the time)

The beginning of the end was the day me and her had sex. I look back now and the signs that it was a bad idea SCREAM at me now. I had lingering doubts about doing so when she suggested it, but I kept them to myself. The time she was to see me that day got dramatically slashed, so we didn't have much time to build into it. Even if 9 months wasn't the right time to do it, at least I wanted to have a very nice lead up to it: a meal, a wonderful time together, then going into that. Also, roommate didn't leave that weekend. He also left to do stuff then came back at 6:30 AM.

There's a question that I don't think has been answered: why did her and me do it unprotected? Well we tried but... er... "it" wouldn't fit over "that".

*shutters in disgust* feel ungentlemanly having to say that...

Just another sign that it wasn't supposed to happen.

When we saw a lack of fitting, we had a choice: stop or go on unprotected. She asked if I wanted to do it unprotected. Of course I said yes or I wouldn't be talking about this. However, I experienced something weird in my mind: I felt mentally weightless, like my psyche was floating like someone may do in a movie for dramatic effect at the top of a rise then fall, when the energy driving them up runs out and gravity begins to take over. In that moment, I now see clearly a moment to grab the leash and pull back. I didn't feel the animalistic lust to go forward however. I actually thought for a moment, then nodded yes. "I've gotten this far..." was my thought.

However, the moment didn't feel right at all. Not because we hadn't set it up like I had imagined. It just wasn't what I wanted. It was the ultimate moment of "I just wanna lay with her and just enjoy life". What I really wanted flooded over me. We had hyped it so much that it shocked me that I wasn't experiencing total euphoria like I was expecting.

Again, the signs that it wasn't supposed to happen scream at me now.

I was sitting and wondering "What if I had listened to the signs?" and the answer is coming out to be that things could have continued. Without worrying about our lives possibly being shifted forward radically, I wouldn't have panicked quite so much over talking to her probably.

Or, the infamous Saturday where I lost my mind over not talking to her would have still happened.

Or the infamous Saturday would have been delayed to another day.

I was questioning whether it would have been different if we hadn't have had sex, but the things I see now show that if not a few weeks ago, it would have been later. Maybe it would have been the same day, maybe later in the week, maybe a week or a month later. However long it would have been delayed, it would have happened.

Even if that weren't the case, if we weren't supposed to have sex, why did the roommate leave? Even more than that, why were small subtle clues given that we should? Why did the relationship allow for us to build to that point? Why hand me a girl that was seemingly perfect in every way and was willing to get very physical a lot faster than I had anticipated going in a relationship?

I guess it was supposed to happen that way. What better way to have it go than with me being shown that the ultimate sign that you love someone (if you are a gentleman or lady) is indeed that to me? Not gonna go the guy route on this because I just didn't get that great of an appeal out of it. I truly am a gentleman with some guyish thoughts, just like I thought I was.

On more positive news, I went to the doctor today (technically yesterday) and I'm perfectly healthy. Need blood work to complete the yearly check up within the next week or so. I finally beat Portal! Now, to do the challenges, and do achievements for it. Made Alexander a child profile on Xbox Live and we're working on beating all 5 campaigns in Left 4 Dead 2 so that his avatar can have the health pack prop.

Also have started talking to Samantha, Christy's really good friend and practical sister. Its great of course to have another person to talk to. She isn't an uber genius that knows all. She's not the sharpest tack, but she does have an interest to learn more. She said that she has always been interested in politics, but could never understand it. I've shown and told her cool stuff and I feel that she's genuinely interested. She again ain't the sharpest, but she's interested. Her preferred games to watch: bloody, gory, violent games. (Play, I ain't so sure). She is just very pleasant to talk to.

I've had the thoughts of "could she be..." in my head. I donno. No signs to the contrary, but few pointing to it. A few days of talking doesn't point to someone being It. Certainly potential though. I think the politics thing is doing it: she is interested and takes it in. Also, she took the World's Smallest Political Quiz (link to it here) and came out a Libertarian, although she seemed to have been unsure of some answers... anyway...

I think the desire to want to learn more but maybe not understand it or needing someone to explain it is what I've wanted in a girl. Maybe it ain't Samantha, but at least I know something better.

More potential: she plans on going to UNCG for summer classes at some point. She has drive to be somewhere else besides Reidsville. And be in Greensboro no less, a city where I'll be for a while. And wants to go to the university I go to. Maybe its coincidence, but still man!

With Christy, it was dragging her through mud when it came to the intellectual stuff and Christy seems bound to stay chained to Reidsville. I've said enough I believe on how bad I think that might be. If not, hit me up to let me say so.

Something though: long ago I saw the dishonor and cruelty of dating the friends or family of your ex. However, the ex never was someone I was diplomatic with like Christy. I'm not sure on this, but Christy may not feel the knife being twisted if I were to date Samantha.

Man, I think I'm talking myself into this...

I best be mindful: something can still spring up and shatter it. More updates on this as time goes on.

Adeu my friends
*bows*