Nickspitzer's blog

Final Words to My Former Love

I wrote a Facebook message to Christina. I just am not able to talk to her on the phone. When I wrote my last Vox, I thought I was going to. However, the weight of what has happened with her is just too much and I fear that she just won't get it and I'll be talking to a wall. Hopefully, this will be the last chapter in my relationship with her. A new story of a friendship is not ruled out however.

I'm not certain if you'll like that I'm sending you a Facebook message instead of calling you, but I just can't talk to you on the phone.

First, I'm still hurt over you moving on so quickly and being so damn certain that he's The One. Forgetting the fact that we were together 281 days, or 9+ months, I'm still a human being. I don't always let emotional excuses be my excuses, but this time, it is my excuse. You held the most valued place in my social circle and within me and I know I held the most valued spot in you. However, while I slowly dismantled what was and filled it in over time, you tossed me out of your valued spot and filled it in at breakneck speed. Its not something I can easily forgive. The fall from being the most valuable person to someone is already a hard fall, but I take it harder. I'm a lover and I don't like using a relationship.

Another thing is how quickly you tried to force me to accept all this. With hardly anytime to take in the end of the relationship, you gave me a I wouldn't say demand but hard push to take down everything from our relationship. I would have taken the pictures off my dorm wall, put away all the stuff, and changed the things on my online profiles, in time. Probably within a day it would have been done. That is forgivable however.

Making me accept that you were all goo-goo in love with someone else barely any time out of our relationship is a different story
however. To me, the speed you moved at isn't smart on your part or kind to the last ex. Moving on too quickly can bury something or go into something for the wrong reason. A desire to not be alone after a relationship instead of starting something very special. What makes it even more dangerous is that this all started when he wasn't out of a relationship (even though he said it was a crappy one. If so crappy and so guaranteed to fail, why not just leave it and give no more chances?) and that he wasn't some short drive away but 2 time zones away. For all you knew, he could have been lying through his teeth on things. I'm not saying he is a liar. I'm saying that he could have been.

Then to be engaged without seeing him once and with already more fights in a short time than we ever had in the same time, under more stress, with the knowledge that you won't be seeing him much more than me, with more worries and greater worries than you ever had with me. Once again, very questionable choice. Heard of people getting married too soon or too young? This I'm sorry to say is totally unforgivable. This is the greatest insult to me: you were so certain about me, yet 1 1/2 months after me, you're even more certain about someone else. It is also a very dangerous thing to do for the same reason that its an insult to me.

This brings me to my next point: your arrogance that it will work or total uncaring about all this being a horrible idea. Confidence I can applaud. You were confident that I was the right one. You're arrogant that he is. Even though you haven't talked to him for that long or were even with him physically once, you are so certain that this is your Forever. Its not great confidence, its arrogance.

You've even admitted that it was probably a very bad idea. You also said that you awaited the consequences. Do you even know what they could possibly be? Having a child too soon, not knowing things about him that aren't small, having constant arguments over everything, possibly getting divorced, forcing yourself to overlook things because "he's perfect for me" even when things say he isn't. The worst one of all is having this all go to hell before marriage because he does something stupid or you realize that you two aren't actually perfect for each other, leading to not a broken heart, but a shattered heart.

If you balk at these or just dismiss them, you really are arrogant. You will probably say that you're an adult and you'll just have to deal with the consequences. Does that mean that your friends shouldn't question you if they think you're making a bad choice? Also, do you think that using the "I'm an adult!" argument is going to make me shut up? Preaching to me about individual freedom and liberty is like preaching to a church about God. Someone framed what you've done not as a responsible adult but as a whiny 16 year old that SWEARS that they're in love. I think that's almost or is a direct quote.

If not arrogant, then you really don't care. If you just don't care, that's scary. It means you may just drift along, surviving, hoping for everything to fall into place. Some parts of life do fall into place, no real input on your part needed. However, at least some of the greater parts of one's life come from planning for weeks, months, or even years ahead of time. Its because of such forward planning and life falling into place that my family lives in North Carolina, with my dad making a good amount of money with a house, two cars, an excellent credit rating, and a son off to a big university. If my dad had just floated around, it wouldn't have happened. He may have gotten some things, but probably nowhere near as much as he does now without planning weeks, months, or years ahead of time for things that needed it. You've told me many times that you want to do great things but you can't.

What is true and what is taken in are not the same thing. I never got a sense that you were going to move to Greensboro some day. My parents and me didn't leave Ohio in a week. My dad got laid off in late 1995, got his job he has today in February of 1996, then me and my mom moved down here to join my dad in June of 1996. For you, it'd take a lot longer, but it can be done. Set different sized goals so that you can do great things. It may take a year or four years, but if you save enough and look forward enough and set enough goals along the way, whatever it is you want to do can be done.

I just saw a common thing throughout this: I can't talk to you because you aren't the same person I met a year ago and dated for 9+ months. You have been hateful to someone who has legitimate points and hates drama. You've grown really loose with doing things that could harm you. You've said that you've been hurt and don't want it to happen again, yet you're doing things that could get you hurt. I'm not certain if you're being arrogant or self-destructive. I stated complaints as a wounded ex but also as someone who gives a damn about you as a friend. I did my best to be your friend, but I may not be able to be friends with my ex, at least not one that moved on so quickly.

You say that you don't need a long recovery time from a relationship. I do however. Especially this one. This was my first real relationship. I can't really consider a 4 week thing that was online except for one date my first real relationship. You said you would never do what she did. You didn't... you did worse than her. At least when she twisted the knife, she recognized and wanted to help me through her wrong. All you seem to want me to do is just accept your new happy life.

I don't curse your life, but I do see the odds of it working out stacked against you. Just staying married doesn't constitute it working. If you're happy with Ryan with no break from him, married to him, with 2 or 3 or 5 or however many children you'll have and they're healthy and all of you have everything you want and need, then I'll have to congratulate you on beating the odds.

Its a safe bet that everyone that I'm friends with but Lexie isn't friends with either hate you or at least don't approve of what you've done (I'm not certain on Lexie however). Not just because you've hurt me. They just don't see it your way. Faithe truly is mad at you. You deserve an anti-medal for that. No one and nothing except the very worst gets her mad. You were so scared that my friends hated you because of the end of our relationship. Well, now they do for all you've done since then.

All this isn't why you've been constantly calling me however (at lest its not been the stated reason). Its been about pajama pants. Talk to Lexie. I asked her a favor to get them for me. Send her a message on Facebook. She'll respond. I want nothing else back unless I left it by accident. I want no gifts back, no pictures back, nothing else back. If you don't want to save the pictures and gifts and use them to share the memories with your future children, then I'll take them and use them plus all the stuff I got to share them with mine.

I got a feeling that you really won't like that I wrote all this. You may be angry that I wrote it. Maybe guilt that you've done this. Maybe something I can't predict. Maybe you'll respect that I said it. If you want to do something for me, let me live life without you for a while. Yelling and screaming at you is not what I want to do. I just don't want to talk to you. I can't. My offer to be a friend if everything goes to hell on you is still extended out to you.

I apologize for the length of this message but I wanted to get it all out now. I am just totally unable to talk to you right now. Maybe in a few months, I'll be able to. Just not now. I don't harbor anger, just a desire to be left alone to recover from you.

Goodbye and a good life to you Christina Ann Cook.

After Some Time to Chew (and Still Chewing on It)

I didn't really spend much time chewing on my situation with Christy... Christina... Her... whatever the hell she'll be called by the end of this whole thing.

I've been perfectly content not talking to her. Its been like the old days before: nothing missing not talking to her and no real desire to talk to her. If she had never called me since I talked to her last, I'd be just fine. Better even.

However...

Her latest voice message didn't give me a feeling of me being forced to bow to just acting like all is fine. Something has changed in her on this. I think she found out how stiff I was being on this and it may really be getting to her now that she has hurt me.

Before it has been about the pajama pants I left once or more annoyingly and enraging "We need to talk" ["About what my former love?" I would either say, think or mutter.].

This time, she seemed more sad about me not wanting to talk to her. She didn't seem like she wanted to ram what she was doing down my throat. She even said that she'd give back anything I wanted.

I don't desire to take her reminders of our relationship. However, if she doesn't want them, I'll preserve them (and have yet another reason to hate her).

I'm not certain how it is I feel about her. I still have immense rage and distaste of her... but talking to her seems alright to do. At least just once, a conversation to return pajama pants, tell her what I feel, and be done with this business.

What is it I feel about her? I don't really hate her anymore. At first it was the pain of her moving on so quickly. Now, its the arrogance I feel she has shown to her life, her forcing me to accept all this, and her unwillingness to question her decision on this. She has SAID that our relationship was important but she has SHOWN that it was something she was able to just move on from.

"... if that is a sin then I plead guilty and will await for the punishment

That sounds almost self-destructive to me. "I know I've probably made a huge mistake, but I'll deal with whatever punishment will come from it."

Possible punishments of this:
- early pregnancy
- marriage that ends due to getting married too soon
- not knowing things about them
- constant, vicious, nasty fights over almost everything
- possible shattered heart and major emotional scarring

She awaits these in my opinion. Not just because she's left me. I am not doing this whole bitter-ex-that-can't-let-go shit.

When I talk to her, I'll say:
- I was hurt at first because you moved on, but it was also your cramming it down my throat and later your "I'll do what I want and can handle ANYTHING!!!" attitude.

- Right now, I don't hate you, but I don't really like you either. I just can't talk to you right now. I can't hear about how happy you are with him and how you think you'll get "Forever" out of him. You told me the same things, meaning you lied somewhere (at least to some part of me it seems that way). [ <--- Possible problem area]

- My life has been just fine without talking to you. I refused to pick up because I knew it'd be probably you trying to force me to smile, be happy for you, and not question you decisions with Ryan

I may call her at some point or I may just answer the phone next time she calls....

I donno...

The Trip Up to Ohio June, 2010 (and a Few other Things)

Just got back from the family trip up to Ohio. It was a very good trip I must say.

We left June 19th and stopped in Marietta, Ohio for the night. We left Marietta to go see my Uncle Phil in Malta, Ohio. He was a much, much happier person than he was last year when me and dad brought him down here. He was much more the Uncle Phil I remember from my childhood.

After that, we departed off to Dayton, Ohio to see the rest of the family. Aunt Melissa, two of my cousins Aubrey and Noah, my uncle Brian, and my grandparents were there. We got Joe's Pizza which is up the street. [First thing I wanted to do in Ohio, done]. Aubrey, Noah, and me started playing card games. Golf was quite fun. As was the later Blackjack. Me and Aubrey played both and Noah joined the blackjack later. We betted candy. Over the next few days, me, dad, Alexander, and Noah played the Gamecube. Me and dad went out to buy fireworks that we can't get in North Carolina [strike another thing off the list]. On the way back, we stopped at Marion's pizza and got a 9" pizza [third thing off the list]. While we were there, someone backed into the place at high speed. When we left we saw the damage: the back of the lady's car from the left end of the bumper to the right side of her car where the gas tank is was shredded and some of the bricks at Marion's were knocked off or damaged.

After me and dad had our fun, I went to see Toy Story 3 with Aunt Melissa, Noah, Aubrey, and one of Aubrey's friends (possibly new boyfriend... I didn't pay attention that well). It was a great movie! Very worthy sequel to the series. I did have tears in my eyes at the end of the movie I shall admit without regret. Played Risk: 2210 AD against my dad and won and played against Aubrey and won. Guess I'm that good.

Meals and fun conversation with various family members went grandly. I love eating a meal at a table instead of on the floor or on my bed. Its not that my parents are too poor to buy a good kitchen table and chairs... its that we're too lazy to find a place for the stuff we pile on top of it... >.>  <.<  >.> it does explain why my dorm room is nothing but piles of stuff I don't need at the moment...

A few minor issues did come up however. The room me and my dad had to ourselves was really hot. Its upstairs so heat rises. It was so bad I couldn't fall asleep on the first night or on any of the nights. The first night was the worst however. It wasn't so much the heat that kept me up most of the time. The time everyone was going to bed was another issue. It was at 12 or 1 when I'm still going for a while. I had to get up and go pace and mutter for a while. The bathroom upstairs is carpeted. Yeah, its not normal but it helped me however. Maybe it was the heat or maybe it was the pacing but it helped me to do it. I even managed to nod off twice on the floor, which may have helped me go to sleep in bed.

Alexander acted up a few times, but its to be expected from him. They weren't strong moments but I had moments where I wish I could have contributed more instead of just listening. I wish I had interacted a bit more, but I did feel that I interacted in a quite stellar manner.

Then there were the calls from Her. I either silenced the ringer or outright Ignored the call. She even tried to make her cell number private right after I hit 'Ignore' on the call before. I didn't want to talk to her. [Later on, it gets a bit dicey however on how strong I'm gonna be on that... maybe... still thinking about it]

After a wonderful time up with family, it was time to go find Jean Rose, a very old family friend. Met them in 1998 and stayed very close to the family until they had to depart in 2004. Contact since then has been very sporadic from what I can tell. The life Jean and Alina once lived is no more. They lived a bit below where my family lived I guess. Despite a divorce, a car wreck, and I'm certain a thousand other major and minor problems, she's as happy as can be. It wasn't just seeing us (if it was, man she was happy to see us!). Not a sense of anger, depression, bitterness, nothing at all while seeing her.

Alina wasn't there, but is close by. She could come visit us at some point if she so desired. She should at least keep in contact with me since she's in her Senior year of high school and college is not that far away (at least in deadlines for stuff like FAFSA). It'd be nice to really get to know her again. Last time I can really say I knew her well was in 2004. Middle school changes you a lot.

Jean is planning on returning to North Carolina once Alina has made her 18 Year Old Decision. Don't think it'd be bad for Alina to do the same. My parents could use their greatest friend in North Carolina again. They're doing pretty good, but I know it'd be fucking awesome if they had a great friend again. With Alina, I could try to find out how to integrate old loves Christy into my life, if I can. Alina was never my girlfriend, but we could have been if she had stayed in North Carolina or had come back to North Carolina at some point.

Now I gotta talk about Christy. She called me while my family was sitting in the Food Lion parking lot in Kernersville. I hit "Ignore" and she left a voice message. I think all my ignoring has moved something. Either I've had enough time away or she's started to realize the whole "Make him agree or force harder" tactic wasn't working. I'm not so certain I'm angry. I've been perfectly fine without her.

I think I'll need to chew on it a bit longer and write another Vox later.

adeu my friends [its great to be home again]
*bows*

Thought Chain: June 16, 2010

Its 2:43 AM at the moment and I'm not near sleep at the moment so I decided to spend this time to just let thoughts flow out in a place far from many and where it isn't really anything that needs to be read (not that many of my Vox entries don't need to be read. All the others have been [except the QotD ones. Boredom becomes me sometimes when they're interesting enough])

I'm not tired at the moment because I have no good sleep cycle. I've been staying up until 2, 3 or 4 or maybe even 5 AM playing video games, watching TV, thinking, or trying to go to sleep. The business with Her has had an effect on it along with the habit anyway. When I do wake up, I haven't immediately gotten up, instead laying in bed and dozing off. Wake up at 8, wake back up at 11, doze back off, get up at 12:15 or 12:30 or even 1 like I did today. I failed to reset my internal clock today. The last few times I've tried this, I've gotten to 5 - 7 AM, dozed for an hour or 2 or 4, then stayed up all day until it was time for me to go to bed. Thought I'd repeat it again. I woke up at at 9:30... then 1 o' clock.

Some may envy me for having this, but I don't like it. For one, I've taken pride in being up at a reasonable hour (used to be 8 AM. 9 was ok. 10 was late). Being at UNCG, 9:30 has been the magic time when the Caf opens (going to change since I got all Flex and no meal plan, but I could change that. Will look into it later). 8 was the time when my favorite cartoons would start on Kid's WB (Channel 3). Even after I stopped watching those cartoons, being up by 8 or 9 was still my much preferred (and mostly met) time to get up. It wasn't at UNCG, but at some point, that started changing. 9 was met a lot, but so was 10. At some point, it started becoming 11. It has hovered between 9 and 10 for a long time now. Two years ago, it was 11 for no real good reason.

It certainly wasn't because I had long conversations with Jessica until the wee hours. Two years ago today, I was going to SOAR at UNCG. Two years ago today, I met Lexie. Two years ago today, Jessica wrote a blog saying she liked a guy she was talking to online (me). [or was it tomorrow? or two days later? no, it was either today or tomorrow...]. Two years ago today, I had plans to go do a bunch of yard work around my parents' house. By this point two years ago, I had a pit for my dad's fire pit.

My oh my how things are different since then...

Two relationships, gone (one being so short I'm not certain that I can give it that distinction). Greatest friend from middle and high school, angry at me then forgiving me. School, started with a major stumble, then turning into a hard, yet rewarding grind. Driver's license, still don't have. Job, no real search for one has been done. Inner circle, radically grown. Beliefs on things, changed, some good, some bad. Political identity, secured.

I'm quite happy to have Lexie as my friend. Its been a very nice distraction to hang with her. I have a larger social circle from her merry band of friends. I've started to see that I do have some non-academic intelligence. I have 9 months of happiness that I wouldn't exchange for the world (the 1 1/2 months of hell, chaos, and anger after it, however, I'd give away in less than the blink of an eye). I've found that I am more random and non-planning than I thought. Absolutely got to make a much, much stronger effort to spend more time with Lexie and her merry band. Her being very much a non-planner puts a bit of a challenge into it, but I can deal. Less sitting on my ass all the time, requests of known busy times, and I've got it.

I've got this urge to write more about Lexie, but it may come to me later. This is not going to be quite as structured as my other writings quite usually are.

Now is my time to start really pulling together all the pieces I need to really start making my own life. I'm back to a state of mind I had in early Summer '08, where I thought "its all about to begin!"

The Grand Forsetti Faithe is certainly going to be one part of it I'll never let go. The second really great friend in my inner circle, she's seen me through hard times and great times. I credit it to the always positive attitude, I've never had a moment of anger at her. I've shared anger with her about something. Or maybe its a sign of the times, that getting angry is an old relic of my past. I say its both. From Jessica to Byron's (justifiable) anger with me to school to annoying at times roommate James to good academics to Her to a thousand other things, she's been there. The Forsetti and the Czar shall stay close for decades to come. She too I'll have to find a good plan to hang out with more often.

Having a girlfriend has been a great accomplishment, my shining jewel in my crown, the thing that makes my life grand. Her and me had a great relationship... at a long distance. I genuinely did (and I believe still do) love her. She wasn't perfect, but she was perfect enough to me. Just maybe not for me. If not for Alina making me a Myspace, Lexie not hearing from her first college, attending the same SOAR I did, taking a picture at the fountain at the same time I was sitting there, possibly them not hanging out for so long, and me keeping my Myspace, I wouldn't have dated Her for 281 days.

I wouldn't exchange the first 6 or so months for anything at all. Everything from then until the last 10 days, it'd still be something I wouldn't want to give up. Maybe change, but not give up. Not sure I want the last 10 days. We had sex way too soon in conditions I did not approve of. We rarely talked after that, my overpowering love of her driving me mad. Long distance relationships ain't for me. Too much control out of my hands and too little time just laying and cuddling with my love for me. I won't rant on what she's done. Not in a ranting-about-that-mood.

Strangely, at this very moment, I'm content on being by myself without a love. It may be the time or something else, but at this moment, I'm content.

My bizarre sleeping pattern may be helping me stay in a good place right now.

I'm gaming much like I have in times past. I've touched an old PS2 favorite of mine: Star Wars Battlefront. I still whoop the AI's ass on my favorite maps. I touched another old favorite: Saint's Row, a worthy competitor to Grand Theft Auto for urban sandbox game play in my opinion. I'm playing online with Byron and even Curtis a bit more.

My dynamic with Alexander has shifted to a better one. Its not like him and me hated each other. He's 8 but mentally a younger child. He's got mental, emotional, and maybe other issues, but he's a great kid. I'm not sure what it was but I've had a difficult time in the past months being able to stay 100% good with his behavior. I'm a bit snappish at him. I think I spend so much time a) away from others and b) as a grown up and c) planning my life as a grown up that I may get a bit stuck in it without realizing it. Again, we've gotten better. I've learned to just roll with what he's rambling about more, but I do try to teach him some at times. He's a bit hard headed and I admit maybe I do cross the line sometimes and make him angry, but I really want him to learn and know all the things me and my dad didn't learn until much later on.

Same with my dad. I've not had as many "GRAH!" moments with him as I've had in times past. He just isn't the same sharp, always on point guy he was when I was growing up. He just seems lost in his own (not good) place too often and just wants to ignore the world around him sometimes. He doesn't seem that way lately. Last moment was his overreaction (to me at least) to my brother leaving a glass on the floor. He did step on it, but didn't break it luckily. Yes, leaving a glass on the floor is just a stupid idea. However, yelling to get the "fucking glass off the floor" is not needed. Bring him in and say "Hey! Don't leave a glass on the floor! Someone could step on it and cut their foot!" but that's just me.

I haven't had my dynamic with my mom change much if at all. It never really had to. It has always been great. She's calm, nice, and a very good mom. Maybe a touch pestering, but she is my mom. Gotta let her have that.

I most certainly don't have the pent up "gotta get outta here!" anger and frustration of 2 years ago or of any other time (at least right now I think period for now). I'm not entirely certain I know what I want to do at the moment, but in a few days or weeks, I'll have a thousand things I'll be working on.

Its 3:41 AM and my eyes are telling me to go to sleep as is my body, but I want to see if I can properly reset my internal clock again.

Allow me to keep my mind stimulated now:

I think I do know the important details of what my perfect, til-the-end-of-time, never-ending, full of love, turns into marriage and have kids with relationship will need to have. Basic: a good moral person. No seeing no issue with dating fast and blind or engaging really quick or smoking/drinking/shooting up/doing drugs with no real care. Gotta be a kind, gentle soul. Can't be too prissy and fixated on looks. I'll accept a long time to prepare, but only when really needed and on sensible things. If you need to apply not make up but your face, eh, sorry, I ain't yours. No being very vain. Have inner beauty, it gets you further.

Onto more meat-and-potatoes on what it must have: either an uber fan of watching video games or playing video games like real gamers do. Gotta be willing to pick up on the details of the consoles, games, controllers, the industry at large. Of course, being a gamer is a much, much better thing. I don't think they'll be able to be too far away from where I stand politically. Socialists and anarchists need not apply to get my heart. Republicans and Democrats aren't excluded however. She'll need to care some how she looks, but no excessive make up application or spending an hour to get dressed for EVERYTHING (very very rare exception may apply, but we'll have to see).

The trickiest thing: intelligence. How smart? Smart at all? Is there a "too smart"? Must she be a female me? Is a lack of uncaring for history, science, and such acceptable? If so, how much? I think I got the answer. She can be quite a bit like me, watching Discovery, History, Science, Military, and other such channels by her own choosing and a lot. Don't have to however. Can watch Animal Planet, A&E, and the broadcast channels' soaps. She doesn't have to be a walking source on everything. Can just be maybe not an intellectual driving to always learn, but be very willing to learn anyway.

She can be very much my mom or my dad on this. Either be smart in her own way or always have a few documentaries, science shows, and other informational things on her viewing schedule.

At least, I think this may be it...

Its 3:57 AM. I may stop now, but I'm keeping the window open just in case I don't.

4:02 AM is the end time of this blog. All thoughts are dumped for the time being.

Adeu my friends
*bows*

its 6:09 AM and I haven't gone to sleep yet. Don't plan on it until tonight.

My family is going up to Ohio for the yearly visit to the rest of the family. Uncle Phil, Aunt Melissa, Granny & Pappaw, cousin Aubrey, others that show up at Granny & Pappaw's house. Its not that I'm worried about going up. I love going up there. Always have (minus funerals). Its always a gorgeous drive up and back, through the mountains of Virginia and West Virginia, glorious views for miles out, beautiful pictures of the mountains in the distance, a long view at Pilot Mtn, a view of the golden Capitol Dome in Charleston, West Virginia, the mix of Midwestern looking farms with the mountains. The stop to get lunch or dinner at a fast food restaurant, usually McDonald's. Listening to the radio or a book on CD from the library. The shopping trip me and dad take to buy fireworks at the TNT store in Dayton. Going out and shopping for something we don't know we want yet (i.e. shopping). Listening to my granny and mom talk. Remembering the old memories of years past. Hearing the stories of where my family members are now. Watching TV in the upstairs room with my dad late at night (ok: semi late, like 11 or 12). Waking up and eating breakfast at a table, eating a meal, be it home cooked or not, at the table.

Don't think I'll have the whole new world of tech integrated into that just yet. It went well in '08... kinda. Didn't really have the ability to in '09 since I wasn't up there really more than a few hours at a time.

This is my favorite thing to do. I rarely see these members of my family. Its always been a great time for me up there (minus funerals). Its also a total change in my routine: to ride in a car through the mountains of Virginia and West Virginia and Ohio and the farms & highways of Ohio; the entertainment we have up and back; seeing these people on such a rare occasion and having much to talk about; getting gifts

OOO! OOOOOO!! OOOOOOOOO!!!

One other thing! Eating Marion's Pizza! We didn't last year (I honestly don't believe) but at least me and dad go out at some point and eat Marion's Pizza. It is great pizza. They cut the pizza not into slices but into small squares. Therefore, the ingredients are put on different. Everything must be a complete layer. The layer of hamburger, cheese, I think onion, sauce, perhaps some other things... mmmmmm.... making me hungry (hungrier since I should be in the middle of my sleeping fast right now) thinking about it...

*is tempted to drool*

They have an arcade in the restaurant while you wait too. I remember him and me having some sort of college-related talk once in Marion's pizza. Wow... I just realized that Marion's has a greater significance than I thought...

Its definitely a set of memories I'll remember forever

I left Ohio when I was 6 in 1996. From 1997 to 2000, me and mom would fly up to Ohio in June to see my family. We didn't go up in 2001 but not because of 9/11 (if you can check a calender, you'd see that). We moved into our house that year so we had no money for that and my mom was pregnant with my brother [funny story: we didn't know whether he was a boy or a girl until he was born. Kept being turned the wrong way to allow anyone to see], but some of my family came down here to see us for Thanksgiving. Since 2002 (I think) we've driven up to Ohio to see the family. Well, I should say dad drives us up there while I handle the directions, while mom and Alexander sit in the back.

Wouldn't trade going up there for however long it is I go up there for anything in the world (except maybe more time at a later time. Maybe ).

Last time I went up to Ohio, I was laying the very beginnings of a foundation for my first real relationship. Time before that (technically the time before the time before that), I was just beginning my time with Jessica. I'd like to have a relationship in full swing while I go up there. Perhaps even once get her up there to be seen by my family. Maybe not on the James, Shari, Nicholas, and Alexander Spitzer Trip, but a trip at some point. It'd be an excuse to show her beautiful mountains, especially one part in Virginia. There's one point while on the highway off to the side where there is a large valley between two mountains. You're very high up and with the large valley between the two mountains, you can see for miles and miles and miles. Unfortunately, you are on an interstate highway so you can't really stop and look at it. I really wish I could. I know my dad wishes we could too.

I think that's all for now. Its 6:56 AM. I should find something to do until 8 or so, then start my day.

Once again, adeu my friends
*bows*

Not my Concern Any Longer

This is the Facebook note of the same name, but with added details.

Its official: me and Christina Cook do not see eye-to-eye on much of anything anymore.

She's now engaged to her new boyfriend. 3 weeks into the new relationship, 1 1/2 months after ours ended.

She is using the "I'm an adult and I can do whatever I want!" defense, which doesn't phase me. I'm a Libertarian, I stand for adults doing as they please... responsibly. If you're responsible, moral, and ethical, I don't get on your case. However, officially starting a relationship a month after your last one with someone in a worse place than the last one then getting engaged without seeing them once, that doesn't show responsibility, morality, or ethics.

She admits that she hasn't known him long but "god he just brings emotions out of me that I have never had before and if that is a sin then I pledge guilty and will wait for the punishment".

If that's her feelings, then ok then. Let her life go to hell and go to ashes. Let her be under even more stress than with me. Ryan for now lives in Utah. He's going to be living in Greensboro. He seems to have a great love for drink. He has told her that she may not be pregnant now, but she will be once he gets to North Carolina. She told him once that they'll have sex once they're married. His first response: "Lets get married then".

Gee... I wonder why he wants to be engaged to her?

When all this goes to hell on her, when she finds that he's focusing only on having sex, when she finds that being with him is more stressful than dating me, when she finds that she's having more issues than problems being with him, what will I do?

I'll be here to help her rise from the ashes. No "I told you so!", no "you were stupid!", no "what were you thinking!". I could do what others would do in my place, but I have too much class and dignity to do so. The best way to win this battle is to let life happen to her, let the heavy odds against her be fulfilled, and have what's meant to be happen happen to her.

The truth will set you free. Piling on her emotionally fragile state won't do any good, just harm. So until then, I won't talk to her. It will be a long time if it doesn't happen. It may be a few months, it may be a few years, or even a few decades before I talk to her again.

She doesn't seem to care about how her life really goes if you ask me. She's very loose on smoking and a bit loose on drinking. Neither heavily, but with the total stress she's under in her life, an occasional activity can easily turn into a terrible habit that slowly kills her later in life. She said she wanted to move to Greensboro when we were dating, but I never saw the fire in her. I heard many reasons why not, but no "but I'll still try".

I can try to tell her what she's doing is wrong, or she can have these things backfire and collapse on her. I wish her no ill will, no bad luck, no wish for her to rot. I wish for her to meet her full potential, and until she starts taking a more vigorous stand on things, at least on relationships, she won't do so. Having sex before marriage probably won't work for her. Getting married will probably have to wait until more than a year before getting engaged.

Until her life is in order, she can have a whatever life she has. All of you can keep talking to her like you have before, you can cut back contact, or you can just disown her. I do not condone any bad things towards her. If you want to have some nonsupporting words with her, I won't condone or condemn them.

She worried that my friends and parents hating her and not liking her anymore. I can't speak for all, but I know at least one is mad at her and another is possibly mad at her. She got what she feared.

I pisses me the fuck off: every time I have some major concern about her (i.e. smoking, getting engaged so soon), it immediately turns into some sort of attack on her freedom to do as she pleases. Again, the whole "I'm an adult!" argument doesn't make me stop. I believe that, I am a fucking Libertarian! My apologies for having a strong opinion on something that may protect her from immense harm.

This started as me feeling hurt that she seemed to value the relationship that little, but now its turned into me being a good person and friend and trying to protect her from a very stupid decision. Right now, I'll give the full conversation her and me had via text earlier today:

Her: "I heard wt u wrote on ur status n facebook!"

Me: "Yeah. And?"

Her: "U better watch [it] I am 20 yrs old n hve the right to do wt I want to do ok yes I admit I havent known him back [?] but god he just brings emotions out of me that I have never had before and if that is a sin then I pledge [plead] guilty and will await for the punishment"

Me: "Enjoy then. I don't want to talk to you. If it goes to hell on you, I will not say "I told you so". All I will do is help you rise from the ashes. I have too much dignity and class to do otherwise"

Her: "Watever"

So ends this nearly 1 year encounter with her. I'm finding that more and more it was a blessing to get away from her. She has given in into the trailer park trash mentality, that every dispute should be escalated into violence or at least a verbal assault. There's no classy way to handle anything. It is what has started family feuds, or even does. Parents hate the exes of their children just because or because of very good reason. Truly good guys seem rare while the bottom of the bucket are a dime a 2 dozen. She won't admit it but she doesn't have a desire to leave Reidsville. There's always a reason to not even try: grandparents are sick, can't transfer a job for a long time, gotta/want to go to RCC (why is beyond me, but ok), no insurance, no car, want to watch out for a younger sibling, the list could go on I'm certain.

She's stuck in the mentality of a bitter backwoods or small town person. Typically, someone gets this way because they can't leave and go somewhere better or "its too hard". Someone can make a thousand excuses, but won't say "I'm doing it anyway goddammit!" If it takes 5 or 10 years, fine. Just don't give up due to the difficulty. You may need to spend 99.9% of your income to surviving, but there's still 0.1% to be saved for leaving. Knock out what you need one by one. Insurance, car, job nearby, money, then plan for leaving or plan while getting those things.

And for god's sake DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF TO INSIDE THE COUNTY FOR A JOB!!!

If a guy who gets drunk a lot, may do something stupid when he goes out, has many unresolved issues somewhere else, and seems to want to have sex is what She wants, then she can have him. I'll be here, ready to pick her up out of the ashes and help her learn the lessons she needs to learn. If she has it all go to ash again, I donno, maybe I'll help again. If I get to that fork in the road, I'll decide then.

adeu my friends
*bows*

Back to Square 1 Again

No need to restate the by now well known end of the relationship (even though in saying that, I'm doing just that... >.> <.<  >.>  anywho...)

Right now and in the past few days, perhaps week by now, I've started to have the old feelings of being alone, longing for someone to lay with, to enjoy things with, to share experiences with. It is dead on, exactly the same as it was before Christina. Exactly the same.

Then again, I've felt like I've kinda traveled back in time more than once recently. I was working on trimming the bushes the other day (the first of 3 or maybe 4 days of doing that project) and I felt like it was the summer of 2008 again, after graduation but before starting to date Jessica. I was motivated to do a lot of yard work, to fix my dad's fire pit up by making it a pit (the only major thing I got done that summer). After I started dating her, I didn't want to go outside and after it ended, I couldn't motivate myself to.

While I'm in a thought transition, I may want to explain something now:

For one, I ain't mad at Christina anymore. She called me a day after I told her I didn't want to talk to her... and the evening I re-explained it (I believe that was the time line, may be a day off.. anyhow...). She sent an IM to my phone and I didn't answer. She called my phone and I didn't answer. She left a voice message saying she knew I was mad at her and I didn't want to talk to her but she needed someone to talk to because Ryan's phone was dead, no one else could answer her and I'm assuming  because it was 1 something in the morning and almost everyone else was asleep.

I sat there for a moment, thinking about it. "Should I? She did hurt me and didn't seem to respect that I wasn't over it yet." Actually wasn't going to call her back. I had good reason too: I had to get up early the next morning for blood work. However, I am a forgiving person and she was in need of someone to talk to.

Hell, the fact that she'd call me knowing I was mad at her made her worthy of a call back.

I called her and the subject of my great unhappiness towards her came up. She said some things I needed to hear because I wasn't seeing them in her actions. She said outright that the 9 months I had spent with her wasn't in vain, that it was something special for her. There was something else before that, but it slips my mind.

Something I thought about the next day or so was that it may not be that I'm not over the relationship that is making it hard to hear her talk about being so happy with him, but the fact that she's happy and I'm starting to feel that old familiar loneliness now. I have this problem whenever I'm not in a relationship: its not so much that the happy couples sicken me or that I'm grumpy towards them, but seeing them be so happy makes me long for a relationship. Worst situation to be in is seeing your only great friend you hang out with enter into a relationship and your time with them plummets to practically nothing. That's a sad story that's not very relevant beyond that however.

The second thing I want to explain now is that I may be calling Jessica and Christina by their full names to in a way hold some weird power over my past and in some bizarre way pound the first ex into the ground and take a swipe at the last ex without actually taking a swipe at her. Its, again, bizarre but I get some great power out of calling them by their full first names (Jessica and Christina) instead of the nicknames they introduced themselves to me with (Jessie and Christy)

I may need to clarify this (or at least just point it out if it isn't already clear): I am NOT comparing the two to each other. There is no comparison. Jessica was may very bad things. Christina could easily seem like some bad things but isn't really. I can't quite explain what I mean, but I may be able to at some point. Also, this is a one way conversation and I can't have someone's immediate feedback that I'm wrong.

Back to the main point of the blog, I felt like it was the summer of 2008 again and a lot was possible. Summer of 2008 was the Lost Summer. Its a summer where I didn't do anything after making the fire pit a pit. Really, I didn't do anything except the fire pitting, talking to Faithe, getting to know Lexie, and having my heart broken again within about 3 months. Summer 2009 wasn't Lost Summer 2.0 since I did do something (completing Calc I over the summer) and a relationship began but didn't crash and burn a short time later. However, Summer 2009 wasn't an anti-Summer 2008 since it was a vastly different dynamic.

This summer will fix the problems I had in the Lost Summer:
- didn't accomplish a lot of major things around the yard
- didn't do a lot if anything away from the house
- didn't do a lot of social interaction with my friend(s) away from technology
- was lonely and depressed a lot

Maybe I'll still combat the lonely feeling but now I'll do it with yard work, events away from the house, hanging with friends, and not having long distance relationship #3 occur on me.

I do bear good news that starting at square 1 is helping me build up a better me. For one, I've started talking to Samantha more. I'm finding that talking to her on the phone is a great thrill. She has the intellect that I like in a good friend. Not that all the people I have as good friends need to have intellect. She has many qualities that I like. It can be proven by the fact that I talked to her on the phone until 5 in the morning last we talked on the phone. Part of it (not a major part of it but at least some small bit of it) is the "Oooo... New and Shiny" Effect: because its new, its so much more awesome. I need to get better on actually contacting her to talk instead of having her start to text me to talk.

Another great thing this restart at square 1 has bore is my hanging out with the Grand Forsetti Faithe. I needed someone to hang out with at some point so that I wasn't sitting around rotting over my relationship and me being alone. I unexpectedly got that time the day I said it on Twitter. I just assumed the she'd be too busy to do so for a few days. I ain't complaining though! It was a grand time and its another example that planning is not always needed, that I can just ask a friend to hang out and it can happen.

It was also a perfect excuse to start showing my family my social network that I have built over the past 2 years. Christina was the first time, kinda sorta. There are probably a few more I'll need to show them, Lexie being the biggest one I can think of at the moment. I know more are out there however. Perhaps Brian Gregory? I donno. An issue for another time.

I'm quite impressed at the length I got out of this...

Just as much as it was when I first heard this song, this song is very powerful to me at this time. Its message, both out of and in a relationship, is the reason why its the #5 most played song on my iTunes

Nickelback - Gotta Be Somebody [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

adeu my friends
*bows*