I wrote a Facebook message to Christina. I just am not able to talk to her on the phone. When I wrote my last Vox, I thought I was going to. However, the weight of what has happened with her is just too much and I fear that she just won't get it and I'll be talking to a wall. Hopefully, this will be the last chapter in my relationship with her. A new story of a friendship is not ruled out however.
I'm not certain if you'll like that I'm sending you a Facebook message instead of calling you, but I just can't talk to you on the phone.
First, I'm still hurt over you moving on so quickly and being so damn certain that he's The One. Forgetting the fact that we were together 281 days, or 9+ months, I'm still a human being. I don't always let emotional excuses be my excuses, but this time, it is my excuse. You held the most valued place in my social circle and within me and I know I held the most valued spot in you. However, while I slowly dismantled what was and filled it in over time, you tossed me out of your valued spot and filled it in at breakneck speed. Its not something I can easily forgive. The fall from being the most valuable person to someone is already a hard fall, but I take it harder. I'm a lover and I don't like using a relationship.
Another thing is how quickly you tried to force me to accept all this. With hardly anytime to take in the end of the relationship, you gave me a I wouldn't say demand but hard push to take down everything from our relationship. I would have taken the pictures off my dorm wall, put away all the stuff, and changed the things on my online profiles, in time. Probably within a day it would have been done. That is forgivable however.
Making me accept that you were all goo-goo in love with someone else barely any time out of our relationship is a different story
however. To me, the speed you moved at isn't smart on your part or kind to the last ex. Moving on too quickly can bury something or go into something for the wrong reason. A desire to not be alone after a relationship instead of starting something very special. What makes it even more dangerous is that this all started when he wasn't out of a relationship (even though he said it was a crappy one. If so crappy and so guaranteed to fail, why not just leave it and give no more chances?) and that he wasn't some short drive away but 2 time zones away. For all you knew, he could have been lying through his teeth on things. I'm not saying he is a liar. I'm saying that he could have been.
Then to be engaged without seeing him once and with already more fights in a short time than we ever had in the same time, under more stress, with the knowledge that you won't be seeing him much more than me, with more worries and greater worries than you ever had with me. Once again, very questionable choice. Heard of people getting married too soon or too young? This I'm sorry to say is totally unforgivable. This is the greatest insult to me: you were so certain about me, yet 1 1/2 months after me, you're even more certain about someone else. It is also a very dangerous thing to do for the same reason that its an insult to me.
This brings me to my next point: your arrogance that it will work or total uncaring about all this being a horrible idea. Confidence I can applaud. You were confident that I was the right one. You're arrogant that he is. Even though you haven't talked to him for that long or were even with him physically once, you are so certain that this is your Forever. Its not great confidence, its arrogance.
You've even admitted that it was probably a very bad idea. You also said that you awaited the consequences. Do you even know what they could possibly be? Having a child too soon, not knowing things about him that aren't small, having constant arguments over everything, possibly getting divorced, forcing yourself to overlook things because "he's perfect for me" even when things say he isn't. The worst one of all is having this all go to hell before marriage because he does something stupid or you realize that you two aren't actually perfect for each other, leading to not a broken heart, but a shattered heart.
If you balk at these or just dismiss them, you really are arrogant. You will probably say that you're an adult and you'll just have to deal with the consequences. Does that mean that your friends shouldn't question you if they think you're making a bad choice? Also, do you think that using the "I'm an adult!" argument is going to make me shut up? Preaching to me about individual freedom and liberty is like preaching to a church about God. Someone framed what you've done not as a responsible adult but as a whiny 16 year old that SWEARS that they're in love. I think that's almost or is a direct quote.
If not arrogant, then you really don't care. If you just don't care, that's scary. It means you may just drift along, surviving, hoping for everything to fall into place. Some parts of life do fall into place, no real input on your part needed. However, at least some of the greater parts of one's life come from planning for weeks, months, or even years ahead of time. Its because of such forward planning and life falling into place that my family lives in North Carolina, with my dad making a good amount of money with a house, two cars, an excellent credit rating, and a son off to a big university. If my dad had just floated around, it wouldn't have happened. He may have gotten some things, but probably nowhere near as much as he does now without planning weeks, months, or years ahead of time for things that needed it. You've told me many times that you want to do great things but you can't.
What is true and what is taken in are not the same thing. I never got a sense that you were going to move to Greensboro some day. My parents and me didn't leave Ohio in a week. My dad got laid off in late 1995, got his job he has today in February of 1996, then me and my mom moved down here to join my dad in June of 1996. For you, it'd take a lot longer, but it can be done. Set different sized goals so that you can do great things. It may take a year or four years, but if you save enough and look forward enough and set enough goals along the way, whatever it is you want to do can be done.
I just saw a common thing throughout this: I can't talk to you because you aren't the same person I met a year ago and dated for 9+ months. You have been hateful to someone who has legitimate points and hates drama. You've grown really loose with doing things that could harm you. You've said that you've been hurt and don't want it to happen again, yet you're doing things that could get you hurt. I'm not certain if you're being arrogant or self-destructive. I stated complaints as a wounded ex but also as someone who gives a damn about you as a friend. I did my best to be your friend, but I may not be able to be friends with my ex, at least not one that moved on so quickly.
You say that you don't need a long recovery time from a relationship. I do however. Especially this one. This was my first real relationship. I can't really consider a 4 week thing that was online except for one date my first real relationship. You said you would never do what she did. You didn't... you did worse than her. At least when she twisted the knife, she recognized and wanted to help me through her wrong. All you seem to want me to do is just accept your new happy life.
I don't curse your life, but I do see the odds of it working out stacked against you. Just staying married doesn't constitute it working. If you're happy with Ryan with no break from him, married to him, with 2 or 3 or 5 or however many children you'll have and they're healthy and all of you have everything you want and need, then I'll have to congratulate you on beating the odds.
Its a safe bet that everyone that I'm friends with but Lexie isn't friends with either hate you or at least don't approve of what you've done (I'm not certain on Lexie however). Not just because you've hurt me. They just don't see it your way. Faithe truly is mad at you. You deserve an anti-medal for that. No one and nothing except the very worst gets her mad. You were so scared that my friends hated you because of the end of our relationship. Well, now they do for all you've done since then.
All this isn't why you've been constantly calling me however (at lest its not been the stated reason). Its been about pajama pants. Talk to Lexie. I asked her a favor to get them for me. Send her a message on Facebook. She'll respond. I want nothing else back unless I left it by accident. I want no gifts back, no pictures back, nothing else back. If you don't want to save the pictures and gifts and use them to share the memories with your future children, then I'll take them and use them plus all the stuff I got to share them with mine.
I got a feeling that you really won't like that I wrote all this. You may be angry that I wrote it. Maybe guilt that you've done this. Maybe something I can't predict. Maybe you'll respect that I said it. If you want to do something for me, let me live life without you for a while. Yelling and screaming at you is not what I want to do. I just don't want to talk to you. I can't. My offer to be a friend if everything goes to hell on you is still extended out to you.
I apologize for the length of this message but I wanted to get it all out now. I am just totally unable to talk to you right now. Maybe in a few months, I'll be able to. Just not now. I don't harbor anger, just a desire to be left alone to recover from you.
Goodbye and a good life to you Christina Ann Cook.
[this is good] You did the right and gentlemanly thing my friend. This was completely mature and so... raw (I think it's the word I want) but no where near disrespectful. If she gets angry after reading this, she's even MORE immature than I thought. Massive kudos to you Great Czar :)
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Faithe truly is mad at you. You deserve an anti-medal for that. No one and nothing except the very worst gets her mad."
That made me laugh a little xD
Posted by: OWXCpeely | 06/29/2010 at 05:08 PM
I had to just be honest. I've been feeling really down lately and this was why. I had to say these things. As I said, I absolutely cannot talk to her right now. Too painful to the heart and too unpleasant for my mind.
Getting you mad is very rare. Medals are handed out for rare things. Saying she deserves a medal signifies that she did something good. Therefore, rare bad thing gets an anti-medal.
Posted by: The Great Czar N | 06/29/2010 at 08:14 PM