9 days after moving back home from UNCG for the summer and I'm starting to combat old feelings of not having my grand life I want.
I'm not feeling trapped here, at least not yet. I'm not getting the urge to claw at the walls and get away from here for a while. I did have an urge at one point to walk around, but without sidewalks, I can't.
Random thought: We should build more sidewalks in America. That would encourage people to walk or bike more. Right now, you gotta have a car to be safe. However, given time people could make money first making the sidewalks, second maintaining them (i.e. repairs, cleaning), and third helping fix the problems we'd face walking versus driving like carrying groceries home. I think its a grand idea.
I am finding that I have little reason to get up again. I get up to eat, play video games, watch TV, exist, go back to sleep, maybe talk to some people. No classes to go to, no groups to attend to, no people to hang out with (easily), no walking around, no major thing to look forward to in a short time frame. At UNCG I always have something I can look to in case I got nothing to do. So, I'll watch TV or play video games or do something else to pass time until then.
All else, having a girlfriend to grab my attention at all time helps a lot. "I got nothing to do. Perfect time to talk to her!" "I just did something amazing in this game! I wanna tell her what I just did!" "This has been a hard day. She'll cheer me up." "Today was awesome! She'll make it better!"
For 281 days, I had that. I had a reason to wake up, to not want to go to sleep, to finish class, to wrap up a group's meeting, to finish hw, to stop doing something, to do or not do things. Now, its survive until I return to UNCG in the fall.
I don't think I got to say this but this isn't a "my life is a complete waste" thing. Its a "I really need something to do but I don't got anything to do" thing.
Technically, I have two things to focus on: driver's license, job. Driver's license is a more concrete goal. Job for the summer is only if its possible to get to in Greensboro.
The bad comes and goes. Its been a hell of a lot worse. I know that I do have friends that I can hang out with. I just... its just not easily accessible. I'll have to work around people's schedules, which may be packed. I can't plan if people aren't online though. Not complaining at anyone just to make that clear.
Most of all though, I want a girlfriend. The realization that I don't have that and the effects of that are really starting to sink in. As I get further from the end, it sinks in more and more. I haven't seen much of it, but seeing couples and stories about them are starting to hammer it in more.
Mostly talking to Christy doesn't make it worse. I don't mind talking to her. Our friendship will have a different dynamic than others I've got. We talk on the phone, which I haven't done ever or in a long time with other friends. Used to with Byron, but that was a while ago. Last time was short and it was asking whether I was at home and that he and Curtis would swing by to see me. Keve and Josh Munn talked on the phone quite a bit too.
That was all before my introduction to online interactions. Even then, me and Alina talked on the phone quite a bit. Since then, Christy's been the first person I've talked to on the phone at length repeatedly. Beyond that, its been AIM, Facebook, Myspace, text, or in person during or after class or in the groups I'm in.
The following stuff I'd put in another Vox viewable by friends, but I'll just put here in this neighborhood-viewable Vox. It fits with this Vox entry.
I said "mostly" above because there have been times here and there where the pain comes back. Its been a lot of how things were said. Christy, let me make this clear: I didn't want to bring these things up because I don't want you feeling bad or guilty or like a bitch or whatever other bad thing you feel. Also, I know you didn't mean to say things in the way they came out.
The first was not long after the relationship ended when she went over putting away the tangible things of our relationship. "Key chain, photo frame, [I think something else]... ok, done" is the rough quote she said. I think I put this in the Facebook note my greatest friends were able to read (and later Christy at her request and my warning that it wasn't pretty and we had made peace). It came off as just something to do. It had the sound of importance as just some errand on a list. 'Go get milk' or 'get gas' or 'mail the package for mom'. I also said that it wasn't that for me. I was in a state of shock. I slowly did it. I even left the picture of us at 2 months on the wall for last. I was just shell shocked and dazed and confused.
There have been a few other occasions that I cannot recall probably because they were small.
There are three other things that are just life going on for her.
For one, she has started talking to an old middle school friend online. He's currently in Utah but given the right circumstances (and time for Christy to decide to start dating again), they could be a happy couple. He's currently not single and at least saying he's gonna break up with his girlfriend.
Maybe I shouldn't give this my approval just yet: for one he isn't single, yet says he loves Christy (which if he's lying, he'll be demonized by me because she takes that saying quite seriously). Another thing, I've heard that he talks about drinking a bunch. When one wakes up to their girlfriend riding them, I start to rethink my association and make sure that I'm not very much associated with them.
Starting to think I shouldn't approve of him much at all, but I don't know him that well. He could also change his ways once he's around Christy. Maybe. Hopefully. I don't know.
The other event in her life was just a random day for her. Her friend invited her over for a gaming night. They played a lot of video games. She's planning on getting a 360 and a lot of games. As much as I bragged about her being a gamer, we didn't really play big video games together. She tried GTA IV once. She played arcade games. However, there was never a time where we played through a Left 4 Dead Campaign or traded off playing Call of Duty or made a joint character in Fallout 3 or anything like that. I would plan on it, but it never panned out. Something else would happen. Never anything bad though.
When I say I want a 'gaming girlfriend', I want what you think a real gamer is: gets excited about big title games, cares and at least moderately understands the console, gaming is an activity they do regularly just because they enjoy it. I want someone doing what Christy seems to be doing now.
Random thought: This put Becky back on the table for she is a gamer and enjoys playing them for fun. Something to handle once back at UNCG or to be shelved indefinitely if a great girl comes along.
This third thing could seriously cause some problems. I kept it to myself because I didn't want her really mad at me and for her to feel even more stressed. Something also told me how small a thing it really is, but I'd might as well address it since it fits in this blog:
Why Christy when you wrote on Vox about our relationship being over did you 1) write such a short blog 2) just cover the break up, but not at least say it was a great time and/or say you wish me great luck in finding a great girlfriend and 3) WrItE iT lIkE tHiS sO tHaT iT iS hArD fOr SoMeOnE lIkE mE tO rEad?
The shortness I could kinda wave off. No time to write a longer blog and it wasn't terribly long after we broke up.
Not saying it was a great time or at least saying you hope I find another girlfriend or even both? I guess I could look past it just like the first, but its hard to do.
Now, the alternating upper and lower case: WHY?!? What purpose did that serve? Do you think it looks better? It doesn't! Its harder to read! I can't speculate on a good reason why. I sEe No GoOd ReAsOn To WrItE sOmEtHiNg LiKe ThIs. It takes longer to type and for me at least, its harder to read.
I want an answer at least on that third thing. The shortness and lack of good wishes I can just write off as a lack of time (well, at least the first one). If me being pissed off about it is a problem, too bad! If me not bringing it up sooner is a problem, for that I am very sorry about. I want a really good reason why you'd write a blog on something so major in such a way. When I write something like this, its for one thing probably long and for another thing really well written and clear. Next to writing a paper, I write in my most proper English.
Random thought: I write in pretty proper English anyway. I just duck questionable stuff in papers like ending a sentence in a semicolon.
This has not been one of my better days today. I'm feeling really alone with almost no one to on a constant basis or someone to game with or something to do.
Gotta distract myself a lot over the summer or this will be first of many days like this...
adeu my friends
*bows*
[c’est top] Ah Czar N, your mind is troubling you and I wish I could soothe it :(
Getting a driver's license is a good, small-term goal though; it'll be fun :D I may be working 2 jobs this summer along with school so I don't know exactly how busy I'll be, but, I'll make time for us to hang out. And I have no problem coming to get you and/or hangin out at your place :) Zombie killing should happen.
And I totally get your wanting a reason for the short, crazy-typed post; I'd like to know as well.
I'll try to get on AIM more too! I actually forget to make myself non-invisible a lot so I'm usually there 85% of the time xD
You are loved!!
Posted by: OWXCpeely | 05/22/2010 at 12:11 AM