Nickspitzer's blog

Hell Has Passed; Let the Healing Begin

I'm still wading through the fallout of my relationship. I made a major advance yesterday by getting over my overpowering anger towards her. I'm glad to have her as my friend again.

Still not totally over the relationship however.

Talking to her this morning, she talked about putting away everything she had of our relationship. Whether she meant it or not, she made it sound so simple.

She made it sound like she was running down a to do list instead of putting to rest what I'm assuming is her best relationship ever. It wasn't some simple "do this, do that" for me.

Again, I don't know if she knew it came off that way.

Hope it doesn't make me hate her again...

If that does happen, I will need to actually take time away from her. Tempted to ask for it or quietly take it.

If I do need that time away from her, I hope she isn't pregnant. If she is, I'll have a 9 month time limit to get over it

We were talking about that and other things last night. We are really not happy that if we are parents, we won't be living together. I'll be kicking myself for having sex outside of marriage. I'm gonna hate to have the child not live with both parents. I'm certain though that me and Christy will find great spouses so they'll have 4 great parents!

I don't wish for this to leak back to her, but now I'm starting to regret having sex with her when I did. 9 months is not enough time for me to be ready for sex, at least in a online relationship. Some part of me said that it wasn't time yet. I ignored it because I thought "Well I don't know. Maybe it is" I didn't want to battle her on it and to a degree I thought it could be the first crack that later shakes other things, eventually leading to a fall.

Got a feeling I'm wrong though.

If she is pregnant, I'm going to constantly wonder to myself what would have happened if we hadn't have had sex that day. She didn't want to talk because she was sick. She was stressed [possibly being pregnant doesn't help]. I had called and texted a lot in prior days, probably adding more stress. Mainly the sick and stress part I will wonder about.

It seemed like we were being told not to do so by the events of that day:
- she didn't arrive until 10:30 that day
- roommate didn't leave for the weekend
- when he left to do something, it didn't leave a lot of time for her and me alone
- there's another reason, but I think I'll keep it private

If nothing else, we rushed into it that day. There was no time for a build up.

Even if there was a chance for a chance #2, I'm not sure I'd want it. Its not hatred but other reasons.

1) We physically moved a lot faster than I thought I was going to... and also wanted to. I'm much more gentleman than guy.

Maybe I should define 'gentleman' and 'guy': I have a 3 level system when it comes to what someone looks for in a relationship. There are two major things people look for: sex and the emotional closeness. For men, a pig looks for sex alone. For females, fill in any term like "slut", "whore", "skank", etc.The second level is guy or chick. Yeah, the sex is still the goal, but having an emotional relationship is important. Then there's level 3: gentleman and lady. The emotional is #1. They may think about sex, but its far in the future.

2) I'm not sure this is something I need but supreme intelligence. Christy isn't dumb, but she does lack in some areas. She doesn't want to sit and think about things. Again, maybe I don't need or really even want that, but I just don't know.

3) I know I need a girl that understands that life sucks and is willing to deal with absolute depression. The question is, how damaged and hurt does she have to be? "Life really fucking sucked, but there were good days"? "I was thinking about killing myself at one point"? "I had no hope, but not suicidal"? I think less than Christy and whole hell of a lot less than Jessie before her.

4) I have GOT to be able to see my girlfriend every day or almost every day. If I'm in Greensboro, she needs to be able to see me here in Greensboro. If I move to Raleigh, she needs to be there or working hard to get there. I don't mind dating at a distance after I've had a long time of "see each other every day". I have got to have that first.

Christy is unable to read this because she's in my Vox neighborhood again, but not classified as a friend. There are things in here that I don't want her reading.

adeu my friends
*bows*

Scratch That Last Blog...

I won't be moving in with Christy in Summer 2011.

Why would I move in with my now ex-girlfriend?

281 days...

That's my new record...

A little over 10X longer than before...

Why should I get up if not for class?

Why finish HW early when I can just do it whenever?

Why not do stuff?

Why worry if someone is going to text or call me?

I'm Set On This Goal; No One Stop Me or Let Me Stop!

Not seeing Christy is starting to be the worst pain in my life.

I absolutely love Christy and I cannot stay as calm as I once could when I couldn't see or talk to her. This isn't 1 month of "we're still getting to know each other" or 3 or 4 months of "I'd be real nice if I could see and talk to them for a while longer..."

This is 9 months. This is "man this frigging sucks! I wanna see them every day!"

For the past few days, Christy has been sick, at work, and just generally busy. I would be too... except the semester is winding down. Except for 3 hws I'm turning in Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and any exercises and translations for Lain, I ain't gonna be busy. ACM ain't doing nothing til a few months from now [sidebar: I'm president of the ACM now], Libertarians are meeting once more this semester to elect officers, which will be 2, maybe 3, members next semester.

I'm about to not be busy because I'm not taking a summer class.

Just gives me more time to get my driver's license, money, and a lot of other things needed to start the rest of your life and permanently fix my problem.

My solution: have us move in together by the end of Summer 2011.

I can hold myself together not talking to her for a while, but eventually I just can't wait any longer. Yesterday, I was pissed off, crying, yelling, and just generally losing my mind. I knew she was at work and sick and probably just generally busy.

I got issues however. Alina stopped talking to me and for 50 days I didn't know what was going on. I've also had problems assuming something and running with that just to discover it was false. When I made Byron mad at me for the first time, I was told he wasn't mad, just to learn that he was still mad at me.

LET ME MAKE THIS ALL VERY CLEAR! I AM NOT SAYING THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP IS GOING TO FALL APART JUST BECAUSE WE DON'T TALK FOR A FEW DAYS! I DON'T THINK THAT I WON'T TALK TO CHRISTY FOR 50 DAYS! I AM ALSO NOT SAYING THAT I CAN'T ASSUME CHRISTY DOESN'T TRY TO TALK TO ME EVERY DAY! I DO KNOW THAT SHE IS BUSY AND CANNOT ALWAYS TALK!

What I am saying is that not talking to Alina for 50 days without warning ripped me apart. Not talking to Christy even with warning gets to me badly. I know that I ain't gonna have 6 or more hours of talking time every day nor will I have the ability to fall asleep on the phone with her every night. If I could get an hour every day minimum, that would be sweet.

AGAIN, I'M NOT SAYING THAT I CAN'T TRUST CHRISTY NOR THAT I CAN'T ASSUME THAT SHE DOES TRY TO TALK TO ME! I HAVE FEARS THAT ARE TOTALLY IRRATIONAL BUT I DON'T HONESTLY BELIEVE ARE GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN!

I am damaged goods. That's why finding Christy was such a blessing to me. Its why I put such a high value on my relationship: she is one of a very select few that can deal with me in bad times. She's willing to deal with me in even worse times.

If I can get my license, have money, and have a car I can use (if I owned one, I'd have a problem parking it at UNCG since almost everyone wants their car on campus. When the Director for Parking Operations tells you "Don't buy my product!", there's a major problem), then I could at least see her more often.

I know she tries to find time to talk to me but I want her to prove it. Maybe I haven't been paying attention, but I'm getting the impression that she's being a slave to her work schedule and social schedule. I could be totally wrong. If she is, she needs to stop it. If she wants to just find a chunk of time where she can do stuff with me, that may not appear for a very long time. It could appear in 3 weeks. She needs to dictate her work schedule to some degree, especially on Saturdays while I'm at UNCG.

I also really don't want her to constantly be doing things everyday of the week along with working. My dad at one time was working 7 days a week, 8 hours a day. He was also president of his union at his work. He got burned out from working so much and was under immense stress being president of the union. He did great things as president of the union and he made a lot of money too. I remember once he got $66,000 one year. He usually makes between $50,000 and $55,000. Yeah, he had a lot accomplished, yeah he had a lot more money to keep his wife, kids, and self afloat.

But...

- He was stressed out
- He was burnt out
- He drank a bit too much (his words)

All that extra stress and extra time at work wasn't worth it in the end for him. Now, he's not the president of the union, he's not a member of the union (I think...), and he doesn't work 7 days a week. Sometimes 6, but not always.

My dad taught me and I experienced the positive benefits of a day or two to vegetate and do nothing. Been working non-stop on stuff since Sunday? Vegetate some Saturday. Been at it for weeks? Vegetate for a weekend. Long, non-stop day? Come home and vegetate. The exception is if you got something you GOTTA do.

Vegetate, take breaks while working, randomly change your schedule.

All lessons my dad taught me because he learned them himself.

They work too:
- *works on same part of a program for 3 hours* "Damn program..." *walks off for an hour, comes back* "That's it!" *finishes program a half hour later*

- x.x "This has been a long week..." *vegetates from Friday evening to about 5PM Saturday* "Now to hw..." *hw gets done early Sunday afternoon(

- Lexie: "Wanna hang out?"
me: "Sure!"
*hangs out with Lexie for a few hours, feels a lot better*

They do work. I'm not sure all need to be told to do these things, but if someone is getting stressed, these three tips can help them out a lot.

I will have to bust my ass hard to not only pass all my classes next semester, most with C's or better, but I will have to get the ACM and the Libertarians off the ground along with get a job and work at that job. I'll need to look into a place to live in Greensboro, insurance, a car, a college for Christy to transfer to, and (if needed) a job for Christy. I'm certain there's something I haven't listed that I'll also have to look into as well.

I rarely talk to my dad at length about anything. We just didn't have that dynamic for my earlier years. I didn't talk to him about sex or girls or a lot of the father-son topics. I am gonna need his help on this. I don't want to hear him try to limit my goals because... well, I just don't wanna hear it. I'm dead set on this and come hell, high water, or killer sheep with spiked hooves, I'm gonna do this!

I reiterate the title: I'm set on this goal. No one try to stop me and no one allow me to stop!

adeu to you all
*bows*

Nickelback - Far Away [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

Taylor Swift - I'm Only Me When I'm With You

[yes, I do have a Taylor Swift video on this blog. The song reflects what I'm feeling though]

A Very Bad Storm

I'm not exactly sure when the storm came, but it's been here for a while. I'll say it is a week or week and a half ago. Dates are a bit fuzzy, but what's been happening has gone on for a lot longer than the week or week and a half.

Lets start at the top of my schedule:

Latin - not remembering vocabulary is killing me. I just can't motivate myself to do it. I gotta get back on track soon though: I need a C- or better to move on to Latin 203 in the fall. If not, its Latin 102 again in the spring, which will really wreck my plans.

CSC 350: Alright, its gotten better. I was taking a beating grade-wise, but I think I'm doing well enough to pass.

CSC 261: No real problems actually.

CSC 330: The professor don't know how to teach! He belabors some points while skimming over others. To teach us a data structure or something else, he puts the code for it on the projector in a .txt file. He is at times interesting to listen to but I think he's just too smart and doesn't quite know how to teach it. Passing the class with a great grade however.

Poli Sci 270: I've gotten real lax on the readings. I've got a paper to write due Tuesday. I know what they're talking about, but I need quotes from their writings.

On to other things:

ACM: We elected new officers and we're on track to have a kick ass next year.

College Libertarians: We're supposed to be doing our Liberty Week this week. However, the president hasn't sent out any e-mails recently about that or even having a meeting. Asked the treasurer if she'd heard from him. "I've been too busy to worry about it." >.< The vice president is also VP of SGA so I know he's busy. E-mailed the president a few times, nothing. I will need to change that next semester when I become president of that group too.

Lexie: I went from a bunch of hanging out with her to not seeing her. I've been a bit incompetent in not even talking to her online. Still, her and me each have a class in MHRA at 11. Its how I ran into her a few times before.

Gaming: Its kinda a shit/great thing going on right now. I've been doing well but also shitty online. Byron has either just gotten offline when I get on or is busy with something else. Or he hasn't been on in a while.

Money: My Flex that I get with my meal plan is running low now. I'll need to use my own money to stay afloat until I get home. Even that money is getting kinda low.

Seeing Christy: That was planned to be my big event this weekend: see her, be with her for a few hours, have a great time. Plan went from 9 - 2. Then, she was gonna try to come 6 - 2. However, the time got cut to 6 - 12. Then it went to 7 maybe to 12. It ended up being about 10:30 to 12:15, a bit of that spent around others. They are very nice people, but I wanted time with just Christy. Couldn't do much either because Jake was still in bed.

I also really miss talking to her as much as we did before. She does have a job now and she does have a life. Doesn't make not talking to her easier however. It really hits me hard that we haven't been falling asleep on the phone recently. That has been the major thing I look forward to when I'm going to bed. Now, I've been curling up with Rocket and trying to fall asleep.

I'm not upset with Christy over any of this. She is busy so we can't talk as much as we could. I don't know what goes on at her grandmother Cook's house [sidebar: I should mention that she's moved in with her other grandmother... and that she got dropped from all of her classes due to too many absences] so she may always have to be too busy at night to talk to me or she isn't allowed or its considered rude. Maybe she's just too tired to talk. She did all she could to come see me as soon as she could today.

Getting up at 5:45 AM waiting for her to call or text saying she was on the way for a few hours still sucks. As does calling and texting a bunch with no response. I can't and am not mad at her though. Its just another bad card that God has dealt me in this current hand of life. I didn't think I needed to have a lot shaken up to remind me of what I have, but I'm not God.

I have CSC 350 HW due Monday, a Poli Sci paper due Tuesday, Latin Vocabulary to learn, a 330 HW that I've been shown but can't find myself, the College Libertarians to figure out about and then sort out, a lack of money, no laziness when it comes to wanting to hang out with Lexie, and no real guarantee of when I'll see Christy again. I've got a challenge laid out before me, but I really don't want to face it all at once. I think I have gotten way too lax in school. I'm sure I've done some other things wrong too, but all I can do now is just deal with all of this and climb this hill again back to the top where I have been for a while.

Adeu my friends and may God be with you
*goes to my bed and lays down with Rocket*

A More Solid Anchor Point of the Inner Circle

This week started at a totally shit level with the bad events from It All Went Up In Fiery Smoke but got better due to its better part. It wasn't just Lexie being the great friend and talking to Christy to make sure all was well. That was a big help and of course got my week off the ground.

It was the time hanging out with Lexie that also helped and that it wasn't something expected to happen that day. I was walking back to my dorm from Latin and Lexie was running/walking to the Atrium to go get some food, go back to her dorm, and later on class. I caught up with her and you can read details in the above linked blog.

Summary and additions: talked while she got food, while in line for her paying, she ate the food, then went to her dorm. She talked to Christy on AIM, being told what I knew was true, but needed to be told to calm my freaked out mind. After that, I could have said "Hey, I need to print out my HW for 350 and study for my 261 test" but I decided not to.

Happy I didn't.

I had a jolly time hanging out with Alex and her roommate Ashley. Learned this and that about them. Like it seems like every time I hang with her, there was a discussion on someone or something a touch serious. This one was on a teen we both know that is having sex and seemed shocked that Lexie hadn't had sex yet. This teen acted like Lexie was some social outcast for not having sex yet. The teen acted like someone would act over a hundred years ago but to the opposite. This teen had better grow up mentally and psychologically before they have a baby.

Randomly saw Lexie again on Wednesday while she was running to the Atrium to get some food before having to go work at the theater. Talked to her for a few minutes while she paid for her food.

On beautiful Thursday when I only had one class before a 3 day Easter Weekend because one got canceled due to a conference, I went out to the EUC Food Court to grab some food. I couldn't find a table I wanted to sit at in the food court and it was nice outside so I took my food elsewhere. I was going back to my dorm with my food when I saw Lexie and a friend of hers talking. I plopped down and joined in on the conversation. The friend's name I can not remember at this moment (seems to be a pattern doesn't it? He's male is what I can tell you, which is common of Lexie's friends). Since it was such a nice day outside, we decided to sit outside and take in the sun. Others, like Jeb and Jack, joined us and we had very funny conversations. :D

[Addition on 6/13/10 3:51 PM: The unknown male is Adam. I decided it needed to be corrected]

After a while, Lexie went inside to clean her room and I offered to help. It took a while (it was a MESS man. Even I was dumbfounded. Then again, I'm more disorganized than messy in my room) but we got it clean. Most everything found its place, trash was taken out, and we found a floor man! It was such a discovery! XD

After that, me and Lexie microwaved water and made ramen noodles. Just a note to you all: it still works better if you boil the water first. We microwaved the water and the noodles started breaking up but we had to microwave the water and noodles to get them to break up. We went back up to the room and watched NCIS. Some of the merry gang (Jeb and friend I forget) came up after a while. We watched Saw II and talked about the story behind the series. We even watched the 9-minute pitch film that was made to pitch the series. We started watching Saw III but Lexie remembered that Family Guy was on so we watched that and then Robot Chicken. Between all the Saws Jack came in and out. He was back to stay after we switched to Family Guy.

After a while, Jeb and Jack left, leaving the three of us. We all decided to crash in her room for the night. Lexie went to take a shower while I went back to my dorm to get stuff to stay for the night. She called and asked if I was ready to come back. Got back to her room, we watched TV for a while, I messed around online for a bit, then went to bed. Woke up at one point and ate a bar I had brought with me. It was very early in the morning and you can't walk around the dorms without an escort if you're not a resident of the dorm. After that, I grabbed Rocket out of my bag and went back to bed.

Lexie woke me up a few hours later asking if I desired to go to Jeb's family's yard sale. I was going home that day so I could not. Lexie got shown Rocket and probably the biggest secret I keep from people was shown to her and unnamed friend.

Ever have one of those days where you just plan to grab some food, chill for a bit, then work on hw, but you end up crashing at your friend's dorm that night? :D

As the title says, my friendship with Lexie, and that anchor point of my inner circle, has been made stronger. It started back in November with two trips up to Reidsville (read No Doubting It Now... and Well That's a Downer... to refresh your memory if you need to) and seems to have been cemented now. Probably a good thing since Christy and Lexie are good friends. I'd like to think that we would have still been great friends like we are now even if not for Christy. The November events wouldn't have happened but Thursday could have. If not Christy, someone or something else.

What I am about to say would not have come out of my mouth probably a year ago except about Alina and even then it would have been awkward for me to say: I love Lexie.

For many, its not that awkward to say about a friend. Lexie and Christy say it all the time because they love each other as friends. For the longest time, I never saw myself doing that. It was one part having all or mostly all male friends around me and the ones close to me were all male. I saw that there was two kinds of love: relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend love and family love. "Others have this third kind, but I do not."

Over the past year or so however, I've found myself not sticking to that. I know there was a day I said that I would have that group of friends. I saw myself as married for a while, living in an area for a while, employed for a while, perhaps with kids. I said "Maybe college, but perhaps not." That was before Christy however.

Not only has having Christy made me a happier person, its helped me to connect with Lexie a lot more and better. Going out to meet up with Christy certainly increases my chances of randomly running into Lexie having a run around campus. Having Christy spend the night means her staying at Lexie's for said night. I'm certain other events would have done it, but without the two trips to Reidsville in November and the helping conversation on Monday, I must ask what would it have been?

Year ago me would be a bit taken aback at me saying that I love Lexie:

old me: "What?!? You have a girlfriend man! And she's her friend!"
me now: "Not in that way man. As my friend."
old me: "Oh, ok?"
me now: "It can happen man. It just takes the right people and events."
old me: "Still seems awkward..."

That I must agree with on with old me: its still a bit awkward for me to say it about a friend and not a family member or girlfriend. I won't say it to her probably because it is, again, awkward to me. I wasn't a social bee that was friends with a bunch of people. I had some good guys stand by me. My pals. Friends.

The way I've looked at it is saying "You are not my lover nor are you blood, but you are pretty much my sibling". Its how it is with Alina and to a degree even Byron. With Alina, I've known her for going on 12 years here at a certain point. Byron has dealt with me be the biggest asshole and awkward social introvert. Lexie was the first great friend I can say I made at UNCG. I've hung out with her at random almost every time. She got me and Christy together. She's been there to help me through some hard time. She is an intellectual on some thing too.

Perhaps now I can do something I've always wanted to do: have a weekly "thing" me and a friend or friends do. Maybe every Monday we go get lunch somewhere, or Thursday we eat dinner or Friday we get together and play something or Saturday we watch a movie or movies or just some day of the week we just do something. Before, it was talking to Byron in my driveway for a while about whatever while sitting in his car. That was sweet. I think Wednesday lunches or Friday night games or Saturday night movies could me just as or more so. :) \m/

Again, maybe not said to her, but here I say it: As one of my greatest friends and perhaps one day as almost a sister, I love you Lexie.

How many more people will get this highly rare status in my circle? I donno. One more? 4 more? Some have potential. Time and God will just have to tell though my friends.

adeu my friends
*bows*