Hell Has Passed; Let the Healing Begin

I'm still wading through the fallout of my relationship. I made a major advance yesterday by getting over my overpowering anger towards her. I'm glad to have her as my friend again.

Still not totally over the relationship however.

Talking to her this morning, she talked about putting away everything she had of our relationship. Whether she meant it or not, she made it sound so simple.

She made it sound like she was running down a to do list instead of putting to rest what I'm assuming is her best relationship ever. It wasn't some simple "do this, do that" for me.

Again, I don't know if she knew it came off that way.

Hope it doesn't make me hate her again...

If that does happen, I will need to actually take time away from her. Tempted to ask for it or quietly take it.

If I do need that time away from her, I hope she isn't pregnant. If she is, I'll have a 9 month time limit to get over it

We were talking about that and other things last night. We are really not happy that if we are parents, we won't be living together. I'll be kicking myself for having sex outside of marriage. I'm gonna hate to have the child not live with both parents. I'm certain though that me and Christy will find great spouses so they'll have 4 great parents!

I don't wish for this to leak back to her, but now I'm starting to regret having sex with her when I did. 9 months is not enough time for me to be ready for sex, at least in a online relationship. Some part of me said that it wasn't time yet. I ignored it because I thought "Well I don't know. Maybe it is" I didn't want to battle her on it and to a degree I thought it could be the first crack that later shakes other things, eventually leading to a fall.

Got a feeling I'm wrong though.

If she is pregnant, I'm going to constantly wonder to myself what would have happened if we hadn't have had sex that day. She didn't want to talk because she was sick. She was stressed [possibly being pregnant doesn't help]. I had called and texted a lot in prior days, probably adding more stress. Mainly the sick and stress part I will wonder about.

It seemed like we were being told not to do so by the events of that day:
- she didn't arrive until 10:30 that day
- roommate didn't leave for the weekend
- when he left to do something, it didn't leave a lot of time for her and me alone
- there's another reason, but I think I'll keep it private

If nothing else, we rushed into it that day. There was no time for a build up.

Even if there was a chance for a chance #2, I'm not sure I'd want it. Its not hatred but other reasons.

1) We physically moved a lot faster than I thought I was going to... and also wanted to. I'm much more gentleman than guy.

Maybe I should define 'gentleman' and 'guy': I have a 3 level system when it comes to what someone looks for in a relationship. There are two major things people look for: sex and the emotional closeness. For men, a pig looks for sex alone. For females, fill in any term like "slut", "whore", "skank", etc.The second level is guy or chick. Yeah, the sex is still the goal, but having an emotional relationship is important. Then there's level 3: gentleman and lady. The emotional is #1. They may think about sex, but its far in the future.

2) I'm not sure this is something I need but supreme intelligence. Christy isn't dumb, but she does lack in some areas. She doesn't want to sit and think about things. Again, maybe I don't need or really even want that, but I just don't know.

3) I know I need a girl that understands that life sucks and is willing to deal with absolute depression. The question is, how damaged and hurt does she have to be? "Life really fucking sucked, but there were good days"? "I was thinking about killing myself at one point"? "I had no hope, but not suicidal"? I think less than Christy and whole hell of a lot less than Jessie before her.

4) I have GOT to be able to see my girlfriend every day or almost every day. If I'm in Greensboro, she needs to be able to see me here in Greensboro. If I move to Raleigh, she needs to be there or working hard to get there. I don't mind dating at a distance after I've had a long time of "see each other every day". I have got to have that first.

Christy is unable to read this because she's in my Vox neighborhood again, but not classified as a friend. There are things in here that I don't want her reading.

adeu my friends
*bows*

Comments

[OWXCpeely]

You both are in my prayers man. I hope things work out. I understand having to see the significant other everyday (or at least they are close). I guess bc I know that I'll see John at some point, I feel more at ease if we don't see each other for a bit (ie He works a lot so we may only see each other in the mornings for school). An emotional connection is definitely key in any relationship and the physical stuff should kinda be a plus (in my opinion).

I also empathize with you on feeling as though you moved to quickly physically. That happened to me with my first bf. Maybe it's just some kind of human reaction to finally finding someone that wants you/you don't want to disappoint them? I'm not too sure really. I don't regret it, rather, I've learned from it and let it sit in the past.

Anywho, as always, you can talk and/or vent to me if you need to :) And if Christy needs a girl to talk to, she is welcome to text me as well.

[The Great Czar N]

In my scale, you are a lady then.

I'm kinda hoping to find my next (and HOPEFULLY last) girlfriend in the next few months. I think I know what I want for certain now. Maybe I write it down in a Facebook note or Vox entry or both?

[OWXCpeely]

:D
Hm well you may indeed find that person but I think it's best to not actually look for a "perfect" girlfriend. Sure, don't go for a complete dumbass who thinks video games are dumb, but also don't put any girl you meet through a checklist. Steals the spontaneity from the possible relationship :)

[The Great Czar N]

There still are a great number of things in her that I would really not care about. I'm trying to keep the minimums at.. well... a minimum