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The Last Vox of The Great Czar N

Saddening news: Vox is shutting down at the end of the month.

Probably not the most well known site, but I love this site. I can write what I need or want to write and show it only to those I want to show it to. The tools are very easy to use. The format is very easy and doesn't fight you to post on it. The posts seem like blog posts and are very readable since they're laid out like that.

But good things must come to an end at some point I suppose. I joined September 26, 2008. Kelsea Perry and Faithe "Grand Forsetti" Elliott were the reasons. They'd have something that happened and they would need to reexplain to me what it was when they had written a perfectly good Vox about it already. Once I hopped on, I used Vox to tell my problems and to pose questions when I needed advice. I documented my life from September 26, 2008 on here, using almost no other site. It was all I needed, Faithe was the only one I talked to about my problems heavily. Even now with Lexie and her merry band as my close friends, I still use Vox, now more to keep Christy entertained I regret to say. My life has just gotten better over the months and I didn't need to say as much any more. I wasn't going to dump this account however.

Even if I wasn't writing on here as much as I once was, it was still a great thing to have. A place to express my thoughts, to tell my stories, to get advice, to figure out what I was feeling and thinking. Now, 2 years and 5 days after I joined, it is going to close up shop. I'm exporting to TypePad to keep my stories alive. I'll remember what happened, but these entries show how I felt. They're just damn beautiful entries anyway.

So now, Tumblr and TypePad shall hold my stories.

Goodbye Vox. I shall miss you. You helped me through some very hard times. TypePad and Tumblr can never take your place.

Adieu my old friend. You shall be sorely missed
*crowd gives a loud, long, deserving round of applause*

Booths, Meetings, Classes, Being More Awesome

It has now been a week of Fall 2010. I moved in a week ago too.

Difference between last and this year started immediately. The room was quickly rearranged in a different arrangement to not make it feel like last year again when I came back to the room. Maybe some part of my subconscious or unconscious also wanted to erase a reminder of Christy too.

Certainly the first reason however.

This year just had a different feel too. I guess it was the fact that I had a "proper" summer vacation this year. No major issues and no summer class at 8 in the morning (forcing me to get up at 5:30 x.x ) that I ended up needing to pass in order to continue in my Comp Sci courses. I totally was relaxed and productive at home. Bushes trimmed, fallen branch (mostly) cleared, other things done.

It was a clean vacation, through and through.

The first two days back saw a meeting with the ACM officers and preparing for classes. By that I mean put clean notebook paper in my binders and put the ones I needed for my classes Monday in my book bag. Monday was a good day with getting lost to classes twice, the ACM booth not being set up on time (I did set it up at 9:30, but no one showed up to watch it until I was done with my two morning classes -_-*), and a few minor personal issues. All and all, though, a very good day. Tuesday was a much better day. It took a little effort, but I found the room for my two classes that day. Petty 007, "The Dungeon" its called. Expected it to have no windows... but it has 3 decent windows.

Calc II sucks to have at 10 AM, but I'll take it when I have to. Anthro 212 should be quite interesting. Eng 105 (Intro to Literature) may be quite entertaining. The class has literature connected to the human body in some way. Ethics in Computer Science will be very easy and Software Engineering should be fun. Ethics is only on Tuesday for an hour, I only have to debate twice, and then write a paper at the end. Engineering will require I learn Java, but its better than using MSG, the program the class usually has used to learn. From what I've heard and seen, its a total piece of shit.

Calc II has thrown me for a loop, but not by much. Some studying should remedy it. No other class has really started up yet. Which leaves time for other stuff, like the ACM.

The general meeting went pretty well today. Quite a few people showed up, they got told what was going on, and we have their e-mails to update them on stuff. The programming competition at Duke will have prepared teams. One of the visiting professors, Stirgill, is setting up practice sessions for the teams. Very nice fellow. Is teaching my Engineering class.

I got a different meal plan this year. No meals at all, all Flex. I chose that. I just can't stand to eat in the Dining Hall. The variety isn't there and the food isn't consistently good. The only thing I liked there was the cereal, which I could just buy myself for about the price to eat there once and feed myself for a few days. One of the new places (I can't think of the name. Its in the EUC Food Court where Quizno's used to be) serves breakfast burritos. I have Mexican eggs, potatoes, ans some meat on it. I've had it Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning. I may continue that and add on mornings of days I have a lot to do. It gives me some real fuel to do stuff. I can eat cereal Tuesdays, Thursday, and other low key days. I can feed myself when I need to.

As I sit here, I'm finding that I wish I had one other thing: someone by my side. What I really want to do right now is lay down next to the one I love and have the rest of the world just disappear, leaving just me and her. Its not so much that I hate the world and life around me (I'm quite proud of how its started this year). Its just that its great to have someone to share your proudest moments with.

I say the last paragraph with this note: I'm not in the desperate "gotta have a love!" mindset I've been in before. I've taken on Faithe's mentality almost entirely: I don't need someone right now but once I have someone, I don't want to imagine life without that someone.

I have one thing left on my "Coming Back to UNCG" checklist and its hang out with my close friends. That means Faithe and Lexie. Be it this weekend or some time during the following week, I desire to hang out with one of them at least. Lexie's Merry Band are included in every visit with Lexie (a great free bonus gift. No extra shipping and handling charges either!!!).

So... yeah, life's awesome at this point :)

adieu my friend

*bows*

The Third Year Is Here...

The third year of my college education and next big batch of time as an adult are here.

Most likely by the time this is read, I’ll be moved into Guilford again. Not unpacked most likely certainly, but sorta set up.

Over the past few days, I’ve been slowly getting packed up. I looked in the boxes and identified what was what. I left most of the stuff where I left it, but I removed and replaced things in the boxes. Last night or the night before I came up with a way to quickly identify and organize boxes into “essentials” and “not right now”:

- 1 = first day

- 2 = a later day (ASAP or really soon)

No box is totally “useless” to me. They’re just really nice to have and may make life a bit difficult to not have them.

Slowly, the mountain of boxes turned into a stack. Room is still a bit of a disorganized mess. I’ve had to move stuff just to go to bed (but that’s what desk chairs are for right?). I ripped three full comedy CDs onto my iTunes, so now I have no CDs with me this year. If something happens to my iTunes and iPod, then I guess I’m screwed. *shrugs*

Towels, shirts, two jackets, and the foam that goes on my mattress are in Spacebags (wonderful invention, especially the ones that don’t require a vacuum cleaner to suck the air out). Huge, cumbersome, heavy clothes are now in a much more convenient smaller size.

Boxes are taped shut. Each bearing my first two initials and full last name, a number (1 or 2 for importance) and something saying what it is… but not saying exactly what it is. For example, I have a box with binders and non-essential books. The box is called “Binding Knowledge”. Another is called “Middle Ages” which has my computer games in it. Why is it called “Middle Ages”? I have Medieval: Total War.

The most valued of my possessions (after my teddy bear Rocket and my computer) is my Xbox 360, controllers, charger, headsets, and games. I have always had the 360 in its box and put the other things in other boxes. However, I found a box large enough to fit it all in. Now, from what I’ve said just in the last paragraph, of course I’m not going to scrawl “Xbox 360” on the side. Its called… *drum roll* “Box of Fun”

^-^

Ain’t I just so ingenious?

Something about getting things packed and being asked what I need at UNCG and taping the boxes has made it set in. The thing that has really made it clear is me packing away my 360. I never remove the hard drive and memory unit unless I’m going home, never mind pack it up. I only pack it up to go home for summer and to return to UNCG, maybe for Winter Break as well. Donno though. Moving the boxes to the living room also really does it too. Over where most of the boxes were is almost barren now compared to the total mess it has been almost all summer.

The third year of UNCG is here. I have friends to meet up with, stuff to unpack and organize, binders to prepare, books to reorder (my card got turned down and I’m too damned lazy to figure out why. I know its still good… not important… anywho…), and settling in to do.

adieu my friends

*bows*

Another Skeleton in the Closet With Another Ghost to Haunt Me

My war with Christy is over. Like any war, this means no battles, no war planning, no resources going to stuff not beneficial, time to focus on things that can beneficial, no more destroyed things. It also means that some scar is left in the history of at least one nation and that a ghost follows with the scar.

I have a few scars, most of them seem gone or converted into useful experiences for me. One hasn't it seems. Looking back, I never really did deal with it. I also think it's one I could have avoided.

It's the scar of me and Christy having sex.

'Scar' may be a bit of a strong word, but it is certainly a skeleton in my closet. For a few reasons, I'll continue to call it a scar probably for the rest of this entry.

It wasn't like all the bad things from the relationship just vanished. Having to face the hard facts about our relationship was tough. To have to acknowledge the flaws was rough. One was how physical we were. It isn't me. I fed myself two lines of BS to ease my mind. One we came up with together and seemed logical. It was a belief that since we don't see each other too often, it was OK. The second was my own line, that I don't know what I want. It was my first real relationship and it seemed right to me.

Maybe the third line of thinking should have taken over, the "I know what I want" line of thinking. Sure, I can't know everything I want in life by just planning. You know better what you want in your close friends by having them. You know what kind of pet you want by having one. You know your major better by going for it. Perhaps I can't know every detail of what I want in a relationship by just thinking, but I can nail down quite a bit.

Where we were at about 5 months was where I wanted to be. Perhaps toned down a bit. At first, in December and January, it seemed right. I think we saw each other frequently enough and it didn't feel so...

what's the word I'm looking for... illicit.

Some people get a jolt out of fighting The Power and breaking the rules and being in a constant state of revolt against what they are supposed to do. I get my joy out of revolt. I have long hair when many guys don't. I aim to have a full beard, which isn't out of style per se, but many want to be clean shaven (just look at our politicians). I don't buy shirts and pants worth about or more than a video game just because it has some designer's name on the label. For me, t-shirts, shirts with cool designs or funny sayings, and blue jeans pants & shorts are my favored attire. I give every new person I meet a basic slate to start off with: you are of decent intelligence, you are moral and are a kind person. People must either prove that right or wrong. I see people for who they are, not what they look like. To me, ignorant is ignorant, moronic is moronic, an asshole is an asshole. I don't give a damn if you're white, black, brown, yellow, red, blue, green, purple or rainbow colored, if you're an ignorant asshole, I don't like you.

Wow... that got a bit off topic...

I don't get a big jolt revolting against the rules. I do so when I feel they are unfair or unjust. If the situation or person in charge is placing unfair rules, I do my best to get away from it (at least I would if I ever felt the need to). Christy was, and may still be, in constant revolt against her parents' wishes. Sneaking out, sneaking people in, taking our time to get her back to her waiting mother when she was picking her up, all things she did. She'd find a reason to sneak down to Greensboro or sneak me up to Reidsville out of the blue.

If it wasn't the fact that I'd have to see her on a rebellious whim, it'd be that we'd have to spend a long time in a car going somewhere, her in the front passenger seat, me in the back. Just how I want to spend a long car ride with her, just being able to scratch her neck and upper back... -_-*

The point thus far is that the adult things we did that were not sex yet were sexual were good in December and January when I saw her a lot and had a long time with just her. The last random night I had with her in Reidsville we had some fun and I enjoyed it more because we had time to just ourselves.

I must be honest here, the guy in me quite enjoys remembering those times... It isn't like I never enjoyed it. I loved it. I just kinda wish that we could have had a long time together not doing anything like that... yet I always wanted to. I just...

I think the truth is this: the physical dynamic of our relationship was that we did stuff like that. We enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. We enjoyed hearing the other one in pleasure. We loved being in pleasure because of the other. We loved thinking about it. That's the truth and I'd be dishonest to hide it out of some fear of sounding vulgar. If this sounds vulgar or unlike me, it's the truth and the telling the truth is who I am.

I knew the thing that made at least most of the times great for me: we had a bit of build up to it. Some time to just be with each other. Perhaps kiss a lot, but we built up to it. And that we were totally alone. No one could hear us and I really value my privacy. While I wouldn't tell a soul, she'd tell some of her friends and cousins. It may have been no more than 5 people, but I didn't want them knowing. I kinda didn't mind I didn't so much mind them knowing, but I did mind them maybe not so much casually bringing it up with me, but... well, I guess them talking to me about it bothered me. I'm not certain what it is.

It is not them knowing. I think it was the commentary and jokes that I didn't like. I don't have the friends to be that open about sex with. Ladies, gentlemen, and geeks aren't the people you think of as real open about their sex lives. There are things like that I don't want to talk about to some people, especially not people I've only met a few times and have spent little time with. Lexie's merry band doesn't count since 1) it's Lexie's merry band and 2) I've spent some time with each person. [saying that just in case someone thinks I may be talking about them when I speak of people I've spent little time with. Of course, how open I was with them should disprove that anyway. Why do I get a feeling that I didn't need to say that and that fear is only in my head... :\ whatever... anywho...].

I use "lady" and "gentleman" as terms from my 3 tiered scale of people's intentions. Ladies and gentlemen don't want sex, at least not as a big goal. It's a goal for the distant future. The relationship is important.

Now would seem to be a good time talk about why the heck I'm talking about this now since the war with Christy is over, it has been a few months, and this is full of subject matter that I don't like talking about. I was watching "Teen Mom" [I like it. Christy got me to start watching it with her while we were on the phone. It is one of the few actual real reality shows and there are cute babies. How can you resist that?] today and one of the girls, Amber, thought she may be pregnant. So she went to get a test.

The thing that set this all off was a comment she made going in: something to the effect of "We did it just one time without a condom. We are such idiots" (I'm certain there may have been an expletive somewhere in there). Gee... who do I know that has done that... oh yeah.. me and Christy.

The issues that Amber, Maci, and Catelynn were having with their loves piled on. Especially Ryan, Maci's total asshole ex. Its because I could have easily become him if Christy had become pregnant. He wouldn't pay child support because he is a totally immature child that needs to grow up. I said that I'd support the child and for a while, I definitely meant it. Now, I'm not so sure. I never really was keen on the idea. Not my plan to father a child out of wedlock and see them on weekends and holidays.

I will fully admit that I am not an adult yet. Legally, I am. Physically (if there is a standard. Puberty maybe?), I am. Mentally, working on it. The baby would have been born in January 2011, making us both 21. Sure, one can grow up in 9 months, but there's no guarantee.

I think this all bothers me so much because I feel like a hypocrite and like I abandoned who I am. The day we had sex, I could have just said "No... not enough time", which was true. I wasn't overtaken with passion. To use an analogy appropriate for me, I was following the code in the program exactly. She said sex that day, sex happened that day. She didn't ask that day. She had asked a few weeks before. Voices screaming in my head said "NO!" but I hardly listened to them. When we found the condom useless, I felt a moment where I could have grabbed the chain and yanked it back, but I didn't. We were in the middle of it and she was on birth control so why the hell not?

During the show, they run small PSA ads saying that teen pregnancy is 100% preventable. Before, I could say "Yeah, by not having sex!" How can I say that now? I was 20, but being 20 and being 16 or 18 doesn't make it any easier if you're in school.

I'm a damned hypocrite. I did what I berate others for doing. They have unprotected sex, not expecting anything bad from happening. They aren't employed and don't have a stable life of their own. What did I, one that will strike down any fool dumb enough to do that? Exactly that. I'm a fucking hypocrite.

Besides a friend I am going to allow to read it, I'm not certain I'll let many read this. I thought about making it a Tumblr post first, but I decided not to. For some reason, I don't want them reading this. Although, I've written a bit directed towards them.

I'll have it on Facebook probably. The list of people In The Know will be able to read it. Safe from Christy too. I'll leave it here at least.

adieu my friends
*bows*

Something On My Mind... Just Not Certain What It Is

I've got something on my mind and perhaps even my heart.

I just don't know what it is.

I'm not certain its good or bad. It was very neutral yesterday, like some point of enlightenment one hasn't achieved yet. Now, it seems like its sliding more towards something bad, but again I just don't have a clue what it is.

I think this all started a few days ago. At that time, I was having thoughts, but it felt like they were roads that ran right to the edge of a cliff and just ended there or like they were running up to a vacuum of space and again, just ending there.

Then, it was just... there. I had no grasp on it at all. It was but wasn't there. Later, I felt like it was a long block of rock in my way and that as I chipped away at it and pieces fell away, I'd come to a realization about something.

Now, it just seems like a big boulder. Not movable, not being chipped away at. It feels bad too. I'm not really feeling any bad emotions, just this bad thing.

Maybe I'm getting a bit desperate to do something but instead of it being the itching "I gotta get back to UNCG!" feeling I've had before, its become this.

It bothers me because 1) I like knowing what I'm thinking and feeling and 2) well, I thought I had a 2...

This isn't a lack of sleep thing. I've gotten plenty of sleep... I've just been going to sleep late and getting up late or just not wanting to get out of bed.

Have you ever woken up, looked around, saw you had more time to sleep, dozed right back off and went right into REM sleep? I've done that a bunch and have had some very peculiar dreams. I don't remember most of them now, but I do remember the details of one or a set of dreams I had one time.

Where do I begin with them?

It was a big gathering of some sort. Not a party. A celebration perhaps? I was seeing a lot of people I knew, but some were people that I know for totally different reasons. Some were ACM, some were prior classmates, one was from a music thing I was taken to by some people I had just met ( See From Swinging on the Swing to Listening to New Music on Tate St. ). I had my teddy bear Rocket with me and he was very dirty. Face and arms were definitely dirty. Covered in what seemed to be mud or something.

I was under the impression that it was some public place. I remember being in an auditorium or theater at some point, some place with a lot of bolted in chairs and a stage. I believe it was an auditorium. For some reason, I was somewhere else and had to go back. For some reason, I was going to a house and my friend Becky was there, I think living with her parents over the summer. A comment about I think taking something back somewhere being a pain was said, then I pointed to where my family was staying (not living, staying). It was my grandparents' house. We went inside what had to be another place entirely (I think) looking for it. After a while, Becky made some comment like "I feel like a slut now" or something and dropped the towel she had on. She was fully clothed earlier. She now only had on underwear.

I know more happened after that, but I don't really remember it now.

Strange dream ain't it?

I keep having them... or maybe I'm just remembering them now because I'm hitting REM sleep while I refuse to get up. This is the 2nd dream that's had Becky in it. This is the description of it from the Vox I talked about it in:

Prior context: right before this, I said that I was walking around UNCG thinking about my perfect relationship and what I want in a girlfriend. I said that the thinking must have sparked some dreams in me that night.

One had me [I think] dating Alina. Her dad [but not her real dad] was real unhappy about it because [I think] he was a total dick. Probably something that's not needed, but I remember her having a velcro bra. (I remember stuff. What can I say?)

The other one (continuation of the first one? ) had the same dick dad, but with Becky Sherman, a good friend in my Comp Sci courses. Me and a bunch of others threw her a party (which... would be weird for me... o.0 maybe a get together actually?) and we had to worry about her dad crashing it. The last thing I remember was us getting into a car meant to hold 8, Becky and someone else (female) sitting in the second row and I sat in the third. I [shit, how to describe it...] cutely made it clear I wanted her next to me ("I want you back here..."). (Hey, what can I say, I loved curling up with Christy. I'll love curling up with my next girlfriend). Another weird detail I remember from this is that there were a lot of black people (Why do I hear the hammer of racism swinging down at me right now?).

Its possible that I've been having this dreams for weeks or months now but I've just never remembered most of them. I've looked at her being more than just a good acquaintance before back in the Spring '09 semester when me, Brian, and Becky had Comp Sci 130 together. I didn't really have much time to look into it because summer vacation came and I started to date Christy that summer. I was also probably a bit mentally wore out from school so I wasn't really thinking about it. I also had Calc I that summer.

As we survived Comp Sci 230, 250, 261, and 330, she became a much better acquaintance and became a friend. When things ended with Christy, she was one of the first I sorta confided in. I think it was the next day we saw Brian and we stopped and talked to him for an hour. It was there that I saw how much I trusted them and enjoyed their company.

We are going to have at least one class together (Comp Sci 340) and I think there's a lot of group work in there so her and me may work together a bunch. Plenty of time to investigate all this further.

My relationship with Christy I don't think ever let me look into if I love her or not.

For some reason, I felt something not so much click, but seem to open up within me due to that statement.

I don't think this boulder is totally that, but it may be. I had a similar fit of "not knowing what I was thinking" before I told another that I loved her.

I may as well tell the details of her now: she's 24 (already makes me a bit leery). She's gotten a BS in Chemistry at NC State. She's here for a Comp Sci Certificate (she'll be out of here before me). She lives near Greensboro. Summerfield I believe.

From what I can tell she isn't romantically involved with someone, but many may have thought I was single while I was dating Christy too. If you don't hear about someone's significant other and you don't see them with someone, you probably don't know about them.

Check prior Vox entries for anything I may have said about this. I'll have to investigate all this further.

Hm, I feel less weighed down... maybe the title should just be "Something On My Mind..." ...

Nah...

adieu my friends

*bows*

All's Quiet on the Reidsville Front

Its been a long road from 1PM April 26th, 2010 when it felt like my world was falling apart and a major part of me was dying. I've had realizations of things I should have known, long hours of recovery, very fun times, times of great rage and of great forgiveness and of total confusion.

That road was caused by the event of me and Christy breaking up and it ended at about 4 AM this morning.

The road was full of confusion of "what just happened to me?".

It was full of finally realizing my goal of having a small group of people I could talk openly with about what I was feeling and getting feedback that helped me.

It was full of wondering "What if we hadn't have done that?" and "what if I had been calmer?".

It was full of great times with my friends, none planned out at all ahead of time (besides my decision to do it earlier in the day when it came to Lexie and her merry band).

It had forgiving her multiple times and getting angry at her that same number of times.

It was full of me refusing to speak to her and of the stone wall crumbling once there was no reason for it.

It was full of pain, but the road is no more.

She IMed me because apparently "some guy keeps yelling at me when I call your number". There was a good reason: it was almost my number. Two digits were flipped: she thought (336)432-6735 instead of (336)423-6735. She also wanted to read a new Vox because (shocker) she was bored. I wasn't in a Voxing mood since I had written two entries in the past 24 hours ("A Date Not Lost on Me" and "A Date Not Lost on Me [Part 2]").

I did however loosen the privacy settings to allow her to read Part 2. She wanted to read the first. I for some reason never saw the first part even though I had put it on there (Part 2 is so short I skipped right over the title of Part 1). I gave her to URL to my Tumblr and she read it here.

After sitting on the phone with her, the final armistice was signed. I held no more anger. She has a clean slate. I'm retracting my doubts that she'll be in my inner circle again.

Most of all, I still love and care for her.

I remember sitting and feeling this mental clarity I haven't felt in a long time. It was all just there. All the hurt and anger and frustration was gone. We are at an understanding and forgiveness of the other. No more doubts in my mind that she knows how much she hurt me. No more doubts over if she is someone I want to associate with.

The war is over for good now.

adieu my friends

*bows*

A Date Not Lost on Me [Part 2]

Last entry wasn't the happiest entry, but it was needed. (If you wish to read it Christina, I'll allow you to. I warn that it may not be the kindest to you)

“The truth will set you free”

A quick Google search says that Jesus was believed to say it. Its why I had to write the entry.

Now, after refusing to get up until 1 this afternoon (with some weird dreams while going back to sleep o.0 ), I had to do something. I remembered that I had planned on burning a picture of her and me as a memorial to what was. The picture I selected was a picture of us when we first met. We have an arm around us. I had a copy printed out somewhere, but I misplaced it somewhere in this chaotic mess that is my room at home while not living at UNCG. Thankfully, Lexie still has pictures of that day on her Facebook. I saved it to my desktop, printed it out on a piece of printer paper, then got the scraps of paper with my other things I wished to forget. I picked up some cuttings from the bushes on the side of my parents' house.

They're whole branches sometimes so they're cuttings. They are pine-ish or are pine... I'm not sure. They burn good though, both in flame height, smell, and sound.

I grabbed a few of the branches, threw them in the fire pit, put the pieces of paper... and didn't get a big fire. I just set most of the pieces of paper on fire in an attempt to get the whole pile to burn. On the last piece of paper, the pile it set aflame.

The picture was a full page copy. The color was off, but it was more than good enough. Once the pile began to really burn, I put the picture on the pile and said “Happy One year anniversary baby”. It burned from left (the side she was on) to right (the side I was on).

It did for me what the burning day I did a few weeks back failed to do: it put my past and all bad energy with it up into the sky in smoke and into ashes. It was all gone and it burned the bad energy and things out of me. I sweep the ashes out and put in good things.

Here's my theory why burning your past does you so much good: once something burns, its gone, never coming back. You can cut something up, but it can be put back together. You can throw it away, but it still exists, just somewhere else. Toss it somewhere else, its just out of sight, but not out of mind. List something that's the same or is able to be the same after being burned. The paper I burnt, the pine bush branches, and the wood I used are all gone, nothing but ash and smoke, no way to identify what is what.

So... yeah, that's about it on that...

I can't wait to see all of my friends at UNCG again. I miss them. To be back at school, back working with the groups, back with sidewalks, back with food options within walking distance, with all the potential in the world to advance myself with no limitations.

Thanks Christina for giving me a reason to have another burning day.

adieu then my friends

*bows*

A Date Not Lost on Me

Today was supposed to be a very happy day.

Today I should just about be throwing a parade.

Today I shouldn't be sitting in the house trying to find something to do.

Today I shouldn't be looking back longingly to the past.

Today this entry should be full of such joy and happiness and great feelings.

Today this entry should be 10 times longer than it is.

Today this entry should be nauseating to some.

Today one person should be sharing in the immense pleasure of this day with me.

Today, me and Christina would have celebrated 1 year together.

I didn't realize that the day was coming. I recognized it earlier today, then forget. It wasn't until about about a half hour ago or so that I realized what the date was. I was lost in watching Deadliest Warrior episodes I had recorded because I had missed them to watch Deadliest Catch [bit odd isn't it? I missed one Deadliest show because of another... strange...]. I looked at my phone to check the time, even though the DVR tells me what time it is. I stared at the front display of my phone at the date and fully realized what today was.

365 days, 1 hour, 30 minutes (as of me writing this particular line) of happiness it would have been. Per my request, we waited until midnight of July 19th to make our relationship official after a fun time with Lexie and Jerry. Somewhere, I still have the ticket for Transformers 2, the movie we watched. I know I got the tickets for the few movies we saw together, or at least most of them, somewhere. Her gifts to me still kept, pictures I had on my dorm wall and in my wallet safely tucked away. Hearts, the stuffed dog she gave me for Valentine's Day, is now in my brother's room.

Its strange that all my bad energy came at this time. At a time where I'd prefer to just not recognize the date and if I do, just ignore it. If this were 6 PM in the middle of an intense game of something action packed, I'd have probably acknowledged it, then moved on.

Hell, who am I kidding? I would still think about it. Just like this too. I'd think about all the things that were wrong and all the joy of what was, similar to now.

A few big bad things would stick out however.

First, the degree to which she seemed to have given up on finding a day to see me no matter what. Maybe it was asking for the moon and the stars, but I needed to hear her say that she was going to find a day to try to see me. I stopped hearing that. She stopped picking days to see me most of the time. It became me running down a list of Saturdays until she said it would work. After a while, it was a list of reasons why not for a while without a "but I'm going to find a day." When it comes to something like this, I don't need to know, I need to KNOW that you're trying. I can just know for a while. However, I can only put in so much before its feeling like a one-sided effort. I sensed that she was just going to let circumstance decide. Again, maybe I was asking for the stars and the moon for it to be different, but its how I operate. I'm going to put in 110% of my effort to see the girl I love. If she doesn't seem to be doing the same, it will be difficult.

The second thing would be how she seemed to handle the break up. I may be saying all this as the wounded ex, but its how I really feel. Her way to break up was to text me. Primary form of contact or not, that was just some bullshit. Second, it was the first text she sent me that day. Nice way to say "hello" that day. Third, it was probably one of the harshest texts I've ever gotten. All caps and the wording would fit for someone with a real bastard ex. Fourth, she refused to talk to me on the phone. Can't deal with my crying or being upset? Sorry I usually cry or am very upset when I lose something I really care about. As much as I hate what Jessica did to me, at least she tried to talk to me (via IM, but she never had my phone number and IM isn't a bad replacement to me at least) after breaking up with me. It wasn't "Its over. I don't want to talk about it *signs off*".

Something that Christina did that Jessica did not that deserves some applause, yet some negative feedback too simply because it does, is that she stomped out all hope for another try. Its good because it made recovery faster. There was no hanging on until another try. Its bad because she could have just slowly helped it die day by day. Let it sink in, tamp down the earth on top of it, let it sink more, tamp the earth down again, repeat until done. How this could be done is as time went on, keep reminding that life goes on in small ways. Try to avoid pointing to the next relationship. Mention school, groups, job, friends, video games, one's ultimate happiness.

Its a matter of how you decide to handle a relationship however.

Christina managed to do worse and worse as time went on. First, it was making the putting away of things from our relationship sounding so simple. It was "this, that, the other thing, ok I'm done". That's not her exact words, but that's the tone she set, like it was "Get milk, go to the bank, mail the bills, ok errands done". That was stomping on the grave of the relationship in my opinion. Your longest and probably best relationship, yet it was that easy to just put it away? It wasn't for me. I had to take my time. I only sped it up due to anger of not wanting to be reminded anymore. I knew one thing: even if I put all the reminders away, I'd still remember. Didn't seem the same for her.

Then there was her thing with Ryan. 2 or 3 weeks after our break up, she's telling Ryan "I love you". Now, if you don't know, she doesn't just say that nor can someone just say that. She means it and if someone says it to her, they better mean it. So you tell me why her doing that would be hurtful to me. About a month after our relationship, she was in another... with someone further away... who was saying he loved someone while in another relationship that apparently wasn't shitty enough to just leave and be done with. I tried to be cool with her loving him, but getting into a relationship with him under worse conditions than ours was something I couldn't just deal with. That anger didn't last long. She called me within a day saying that she needed someone to talk to. So, I quickly forgave her.

Her getting engaged however... Hell, fire, and brimstone. That was the last bale of straw that broke the camel's back. I wasn't talking to her. Not 2 months out and she was more certain about this than what we had. I couldn't endure that as a human. I also just saw it as a very stupid thing to do. It exploded on her and I was there for her like I said I would. Our relations haven't been the same since however. I don't look forward to talking to her at all. I don't care to.

The third thing of focus is the adult things we did and how secretive (or not) they were. Months before we made the huge mistake to have sex, we were doing things less than that but much more than making out. [I feel nasty saying that...] I thought it was right, but when I look at who I am, it isn't me. I don't do stuff like that. At least, I don't think I do. Its not the first thing I've wanted to do with my girlfriend however. Whenever I imagine what I'd do with my girlfriend, laying together and playing video games and watching TV and talking are the things I imagine. My girlfriend will have a perverted streak. Its a part of who I am. At first, Cristina's love of dirty jokes was funny, but after a while, a large part of what she was saying was perverted things. It got old after a while and just wasn't as funny. It was just kinda irritating sometimes.

The bigger issue was that I felt quite a few people she knew were aware what we were doing. I didn't feel that it was ever a situation where no matter what you say, you are saying "yes". You know the situation someone asks you a question that's none of their business and its not something you'd do anyway so you say "no" even if you had done it but they take it as a "yes" because 'obviously' you're lying. I felt that she probably wasn't bragging but she didn't really seem to try to keep it a secret from a lot of people she trusted. By a show of hands, how many knew that me and her were doing sexual things before her and me broke up? No one? See the difference: she told quite a few while I told no one except to explain what was wrong in the relationship. She'll say the very things we did while I keep it vague. I'm a gentleman and I don't kiss and tell. I don't think I told anyone that her and me made out. I felt it perhaps a bit untasteful to tell.

Also, look at who I trusted and talked to a lot at the time: Byron, Lexie and Faithe.

- Faithe is a lady as I am a gentleman. Sex isn't on the brain for us. A relationship is about a thousand other things than sex. We'll deal with it eventually, but until then we're focused on the person.

- With Lexie, I'm not certain she would want a blow-by-blow of what we were doing behind closed doors. I'm not certain she'd want to know even if Christina wasn't one of her close friends.

- Byron and me are gentleman. We don't want to find the fist female with a pulse to bang. Its just not in our nature. I'm too shy and he just doesn't do that. He probably could. He's got the self-confidence and charm to do it. Then again, even with those things, him and me are gaming geeks. We just come off as very nice guys. Even if we wanted to, we'd have to be different people to get girls to want to have sex with us.

Even if you throw in Jack, Jeb, Adam, Brian, and Becky, you still got no one I'd want to brag to. I don't have the friends to brag to and I just wouldn't want to. If anyone asked "you guys have sex yet?" It'd be "No we haven't." "You guys done anything else?" would get a "Its none of your business." or perhaps "No". Again, I lack the friends to have these conversations. Perhaps I'll have conversations pertaining to my sex life once I've been married for a few years and have a few good married guy friends. Its how I imagine my life being. You've seen the scene: a few married guys are hanging out away from the wives, they talk about their sex lives, some bragging, some not so much.

If that came off as me sounding holier than thou, I'm sorry. Its how I view sex however and her openness to what seemed like everyone really bothered me.

Even with those things, I wouldn't trade my time with her for anything. It was the best 9 months of my life. I had a reason to get up and go to bed. I had a reason to finish class and hw and groups. I had someone to applaud me for doing good and comfort me when I didn't do so good. I had a reason to care what I looked and smelled like. I had hope that all was great for 9 months.

I also got to see that I was right on certain things about myself. I learned what I can and cannot do in a relationship. I became a better person. I'm more prepared for the next time around.

I'll always value this relationship. I'll make sure the truth is known about it. I'll probably even miss it sometimes, even when I'm in my next relationship.

This entry would have been vastly different if I hadn't have accidentally had two tabs open to Tumblr, one opened at an earlier time to this entry, and backed up a page. This will have to due though.

9 hours, 5 minutes until this day's over

adeu my friends and thank you for listening

*bows*

Perhaps Just a Bad Gaming Day

I’m just not in a very good mood today.

Beyond shitty luck in Risk Factions is probably the main reason. Just couldn’t roll worth a damn most of the time when I really needed it, but would totally smash when I didn’t need to. What good is getting double 6’s, an overkill that kills 4 units, when I am only fighting one unit, but rolling 3’s and 4’s when I’m up against some real armies? The rolling odds in Risk are flawed to me. Too often, me and Byron get the shittiest rolls while others gets fantastic luck.

Its hard to be cheap in Risk. You place armies, roll dice, and get cards. Factions throws in objectives that give you some special power or ability like an attack die or 2 extra armies or an airfield that adds 1 to your highest die roll. Somehow, me and Byron get beat like in every other game we play online.

Even if me and Byron team up against someone, I’m fucked anyway. Usually, I”m backed in a corner where I can’t get out except to attack him. Can’t because it weakens Byron and I probably can’t do a damn thing anyway. Its a “damned if I do, damned if we don’t” situation to us teaming up. Either we team up and we destroy the others but I get smashed or we don’t and they beat us both.

It pisses me off because I can’t do a damn thing different. I just got to let it make die rolls for me. People online are greedy and don’t get it that sometimes you got to team up to take down someone too powerful. For some reason, they squabble with everyone except the person with a continent, is on the verge of two more, and has a massive number of territories and armies. Don’t worry about me who has only 5 territories, 15 armies total, and almost no chance of getting out. Worry about the guy with a continent, one or two clusters of significant size, and a lot of territories.

Morons…

I just haven’t felt in control of my video games. In Red Dead Redemption, I started doing OK at horseshoes yet lost and lost two hands of poker very quickly. I just did a bit of ok work elsewhere in the game.

It may just be the shitty video game luck, but I’m just not in a happy mood. I had shitty Risk luck yesterday and maybe even the day before too.

This hasn’t been the perfect week anyway. Alina threw her fit and refused to come down here Monday and Tuesday. I’ve had this shit luck in games today. The Financial Aid Office is being a bureaucratic pain in my ass. For the longest time, me and my dad had no idea why my aid wasn’t already approved. Turns out that its because we didn’t do something… that we already did.

“What?” you ask in confusion (or thinking you know what I mean).

For I think its Direct Loans, my dad must fill out a Master Promissory Note (MPN) online. My dad asked me to just do it for him, which I did. My Financial Aid Status has had that requirement since early April. It says at the bottom of a very long paragraph not to do it before a certain time. I think I did it before that time, so it probably got lost in the bureaucratic nightmare that is the change over to the All Powerful Collection of Morons and Crooks (APCMC), also known as the Federal Government, taking over all loans to students in college.

I’ve been having a feeling that something is missing in my life. However, my mind has been the vacuum of space. Any thought like that was sucked out of the airlock door.

Perhaps tomorrow the bad energy of the bad video game luck will pass.

adeu my friends

*bows*